The World's A Cruel Place
by SpeakBraevery
Summary: "You don't know anything! I love him! I love him, and now he's gone!"   *Rated M for future chapters*
1. Chapter 1

**So, this is just something that popped into my head, and I just had to write it, seeing as it won't leave me alone. I'm not completely sure where this story is going to go, but we'll see when we get there, I guess. Reviews make me happy(and also make me update faster), so take a few minutes to tell me if you like what you're reading. :3**

**James's POV**

You know that feeling you get when you're relaxing out in the sun, the way the rays warm your skin and just make you feel _good_? Well, if you don't, I feel sorry for you. In my opinion, tanning is just one of the many things you _need_ to do in life. Life just wouldn't be worth living without it. I mean, having pale skin is just…ugh! It's a disgrace. The sun is here for a reason, people!

But, anyway, moving on. I am currently lying in my chair by the Palm Woods's pool, enjoying the sun. You can never be too tan, after all. I can't believe Kendall and Carlos are inside on such a beautiful day! Their excuse? It's too hot for them. It's their loss, I guess. And I can't hang out with Logan, either, because he's out getting groceries. I could have sworn he went grocery shopping _last_ weekend... That's the thing about Logan; he's always off doing something. We finally have the weekend off, a whole weekend to ourselves, and he's gone. Speaking of Logan, he should be back by now…

My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I sigh. With my luck, it will be Kelly, telling me that for some reason on my day off, I have to head to Roque Records to record a new song. I fish around in my pocket until I have it in my hand, and then check the caller ID. It's Kendall.

"Yeah?" I answer it, slightly annoyed. This better not interfere with my tanning time.

"James? Come up to the apartment right away." Is he…crying?

" What's wrong? Kendall?"

"Just hurry…" I jump off of my chair, gather my things, and hurry to the elevator. Kendall almost _never_ cries. My stomach does flips the whole way up, lip between my teeth. I wish he would have just told me what was wrong on the phone… As soon as the elevator doors open, I hurry into the hallway and to apartment 2J, pushing the door open. I freeze once I'm inside, my heart dropping to my stomach when I see the looks on everyone's face. Kendall and Carlos are on the couch, tears rushing down their cheeks, and Katie is sobbing, head buried in Kendall's shoulder. Ms. Knight has tears in her eyes as well, standing in the middle of the room, arms held close across her chest.

"What's going on?" I ask quietly, gently closing the door behind me. Ms. Knight steps forward, taking a deep breath.

"James, there's been an accident. The hospital called… Logan…he didn't make it." She says softly, arms wrapping around me. Something in me shatters, the breath whooshing from my lungs. It takes a moment for my brain to process the words, and once it does, I'm shoving away from Ms. Knight's embrace, anger boiling up in me.

"Is this some kind of fucking joke? It's not funny!" I shout, tears burning in my eyes. No one speaks. Ms. Knight doesn't even reprimand me for swearing, and that's when I know something's horribly wrong. Their silence is killing me. "I-it's a joke, right? Please tell me it's a joke."

"James, honey…" Ms. Knight says, stepping towards me once again. I can't breathe, my heart aching. This can't be happening. _This isn't happening!_ I collapse onto the floor and break down in sobs, my whole body shaking. No, no, _no._ "Oh, honey…" Ms. Knight kneels next to me, arms wrapping around me once again, holding me close. I burry my face into her shoulder and just scream, the pain unbearable. Logan, the love of my life…is…gone? I close my eyes and just try to picture him, but I'm already starting to forget how he looks. I try so desperately to remember his smile, his eyes, _him_. All the things we never got to do… I never even got to say goodbye, never got to hold him in my arms one last time and tell him how much I love him, how much I'll miss him. Suddenly, Ms. Knight's arms don't feel so soothing. I feel trapped, helpless. I pull myself away, face red, and look up at my friends, still sitting on the couch, watching me. I hate the sympathetic looks in their eyes. They don't know the pain I'm feeling, how much it _hurts_.

"Stop looking at me like that!" I scream, pulling my knees up to my chest. "You don't know _anything_! I love him! I love him, and now he's _gone_! Don't pretend that you know what I'm going through!" My voice lowers to whisper. "Logan's not… He can't be… Oh, god." Kendall and Carlos just stare, unable to find words to say. I whimper, tears still rushing down my cheeks in a never ending stream. For what feels like forever, no one moves, or speaks. We all just sit there, letting ourselves grieve, and it's so unbearable. I regret not going to the store with Logan. He even asked me to go, and I refused. I could have been there with him in the end, maybe even could have saved his life. Eyes burning, my vision blurred, I shakily stand, walking forward slowly, heading to the couch. Kendall and Carlos both stand up as well, meeting me halfway, wrapping me in a tender hug. I was wrong to yell at them. Logan was their friend, too.

"He's gone," I sob. "Why _him_?"

"I don't know, James," Kendall says softly. "I'm sorry, I'm _so sorry_." It feels strange with just the three of us, empty. We're not _us_ without him.

"James?" Ms. Knight calls softly from behind me, and I sniffle in response, turning my head to face her. "Would you like to go see him…say goodbye?" I blink a few times, trying to clear my head and answer her.

"What's the point? He's gone." I mutter, throat tight. "I can't…I can't see him like that."

"But, you _love _him," Kendall says gently. "You need to say goodbye. You can handle it; I know you can." I refuse to look at him, my gaze instead turned to the floor. He shakes me gently. "If anything, do it for Logan. He deserves it." And with that, I slowly nod my head, giving in. I want to see him, really I do, but the thought of seeing him dead is too much. But I also know that if I don't say goodbye, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

"I'm going to call Gustavo and tell him about…what happened" Ms. Knight says. "And see if they can take us to the hospital. Logan took the car, so…" I nod again, and gently pull away from Carlos and Kendall, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"It's going to be okay, James," Carlos tells me, giving me one last hug, and I wish I could believe him.

**So, there's chapter one. It's a bit of a short chapter, but the others will be longer, I promise. Once again, please review and let me know what you think. It would really mean a lot to me, seeing as I'm not too confident in my writing abilities, and I don't think I'm all that good at writing sad scenes like this one. But I'd love to hear what you guys have to say, so click that little button down there and make my day. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's chapter two! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story! Continue to give me your opinions. They really do help me a lot. **

The smell of disinfectant reaches my nose the moment I step into the hospital, making me slow my pace a bit as I begin to feel sick to my stomach. I _hate _hospitals. They're full of sick people and blood and _needles_. God, I hate needles... Kendall places a hand on my shoulder in comfort, guiding me to the check-in counter. I glance around the waiting room, heart pounding as I try hard not to throw up all over the floor. I refuse to believe that I'm actually here to see Logan, to see him DEAD. It's too horrible to be true.

"Hi," Ms. Knight greets the woman behind the counter, forcing a smile and trying to be polite. "We're here to see Logan Mitchel. We received a call saying he was in an accident and is...dead." I see her take in a deep breath, eyes already filling with tears once again. I need to get out of here before I go crazy. This isn't really happening. I'm just...dreaming! Yeah, dreaming, and soon I'll wake up in Logan's arms and everything will be okay!

"Oh, yes, Logan Mitchel," the woman says cheerfully, making her way around the counter to stand beside us, clipboard in hand. I've only known her for about a minute and already I hate her. We're here to see someone who's _dead_, and she has the nerve to act all happy and positive. What part of dead doesn't she understand? "I'm very sorry about your loss." Bullshit. "If you'll please follow me, I'll take you to his room." Ms. Knight and Carlos follow immediately, but I can't seem to move.

"K-Kendall... I don't think I can do this..." I whisper, glancing back at the entrance. Kelly and Gustavo are out there waiting in the limo. I could just sit with them and-

"Come on," Kendall says, grabbing my wrist and tugging me along. I half-heartedly try to pull away, swallowing hard against the nervousness in my stomach. What will he look like? Will there be blood? Bruises? Will he even look like _him_?

"Right in here," the woman we're following says finally, stopping in front of a door and turning to face us. "Take your time. I'll be waiting out here to give you some space." For a long moment, none of us move, and then Kendall's pushing me towards the door and I open it slowly, heart beating fast, my eyes tightly shut as I prepare myself for the worse. I take a few steps into the room, taking a deep breath, and then cautiously open my eyes, on the verge of tears once again. I slowly follow the line of his body to his face, and suck in a quick breath at what I see.

It's not him. I don't know who the hell this is, but he's not Logan. This body has blonde hair that comes down to about his chin in slight waves, and his face is completely different. I feel a bit light-headed with relief.

"It's not him," I say softly in disbelief. "It's not Logan." Ms. Knight begins to sob behind me.

"Oh, James, does he really look that disfigured?" she asks, hand wrapping around my wrist. I turn to her and grab her shoulders, pulling her into the room.

"No, _look_!" I tell her, walking her closer to the bed. "It's really not him!" She gasps, eyes widening slightly before she turns back to the woman outside.

"This isn't Logan Mitchel," she says, her voice steady and calm, but I can tell that she's furious inside. "There's been some mistake." Kendall and Carlos rush to the bed to see for themselves, small smiles coming to their faces in relief. Katie wipes her eyes and tries to look annoyed, but she only manages a small frown before she, too, is grinning. The woman just stares at us for a moment before deciding to speak.

"Excuse me?"

"This is not Logan Mitchel," Ms. Knight repeats, crossing her arms. "What is going on here?" The woman looks like she's at a loss for words.

"I-I don't understand... This is the only accident patient we've had all day. Someone identified him and gave us a number in which we could reach his family at..."

"Who identified him?" Ms. Knight demands, eyes narrowing. "Surely it wasn't just some stranger? I demand to speak with whoever's in charge." Nodding, the woman quickly hurries away, and Ms. Knight ushers us out the door, closing it behind her. She leans against it, letting out a sigh of relief as she pulls Katie close to her.

"He's alive," Carlos says excitedly, pulling on my arm. "Can you believe it, James?" I burst into tears in reply, so happy and relieved I can't help it. I just want to go home, where he's surely waiting for me, and hold him close to me until I have every inch of him memorized. He's alive, he's alive, _he's alive!_ A tall man approaches us, the woman from behind the counter following behind. I barely hear the conversation that follows, holding onto Kendall and Carlos and letting myself heal. I notice Ms. Knight practically screaming at the man and woman, though I don't listen to what she's saying. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters but the fact that Logan is _not_ dead. And then I feel a tug on my sleeve, and Ms. Knight is pulling me and the others down the hall and out of the hospital.

"Those complete idiots!" she says, furious. "They let some _stranger_ identify him! And they call themselves a hospital!" She practically pushes us into the limo, Kelly and Gustavo looking surprised that we're back so soon. "Thank god he's alright."

"They identified the body wrong," Carlos quickly explains.

"It wasn't Logan!" Kendall adds.

"He's alive!" I nearly scream. "Now hurry up and get us home! I need to see him!" Gustavo and Kelly just sit there, mouths open slightly.

"Wait, what?" Kelly asks, shaking her head in disbelief. "How could they have made such a huge mistake?"

"Who cares?" I reply. "Just tell the fucking driver to _drive_!"

"James!" Ms. Knight smacks my arm. "Language."

"Sorry," I mumble, not really meaning it. Kelly sighs and turns around to tell the driver to take us back home, and I almost start bouncing in my seat, becoming impatient. Logan's probably wondering where we are. I'm sure he's home by now. We probably just missed him.

"So, how did the hospital make this mistake?" Kelly asks, addressing Ms. Knight. I actually listen this time, a bit curious as to how those idiots screwed up so bad.

"I don't even really know," she replies. "They told me that while they were bringing him in, a man in the waiting room said he knew who he was, and they didn't have anything to identify him with, so they just went along with what he said."

"But why would he tell them it was Logan? And how does he know your cellphone number?" Kendall asks, his eyebrows furrowing.

"I don't know..." his mom replies, stroking his hair. "What matters is that this is all over and everything's okay."

"But it does seem a bit suspicious," Katie says, resting her head on her mom's shoulder.

"Maybe it was all just some sick joke," Carlos suggests, frowning. "If I knew who he was I'd kick his a-"

"Language," Ms. Knight cuts him off, giving him a warning look.

"Can't we go any faster?" I whine, giving Kelly my best puppy dog eyes. "Please tell him to go faster."

"We're going the speed limit, James."

"Exactly!" I exclaim. "You don't understand! I _need_ to get home!"

"We'll be there in five minutes," Gustavo spoke up. Five minutes... I turn to look out the window, counting cars to try and pass the time, and after what seems like an hour, we're parked outside the Palm Woods. As soon as Kendall opens the door I'm out, running through the front door and up the stairs, ignoring everyone else calling my name and telling me to wait up. Heart racing with excitement, I burst into apartment 2J, eyes searching the living room and kitchen.

"Logan?" I call, stepping further into the apartment. "You here, babe?" I notice a neon pink envelope on the coffee table, and almost roll my eyes as I go over to it. Really, Logan, pink? Oh, who am I kidding? That's so cute! I hurriedly pick up the envelope, seeing that it's addressed to "James Diamond," and open it.

_Dear James,_

_Looking for Logan? Well, you won't find him. I've kidnapped him, and you'll never see him again. In person, at least. Don't believe me? I'm the one who gave the hospital false information. I knew you would go and say goodbye, giving me the perfect chance to sneak into your apartment and leave you this._

_This is not a joke. I have Logan. And there's nothing you can do about it._

I drop the letter, gasping for air as I feel the breath leave my lungs for the second time today. This just can_not_ be happening to me.

"James, is he here?" Kendall asks from the doorway, and I turn to look at him.

"No." And then I burst into tears _again_, and I hate myself for it, but this is just so _fucked up_. Why would anyone want to kidnap my Logie? I mean, yeah, he's famous, but why _hi m_? There are so many celebrities out there; what makes Logan so special? And the kidnapper is a _guy_! What is he going to do to Logan?

"It's okay, James," Kendall says quickly, coming to stand beside me. "I'm sure he's just down by the pool or something and we missed him."

"What's going on?" Carlos says, finally appearing in the doorway with Katie and Ms. Knight.

"James is just freaking because Logan isn't here," Kendall answers for me. "But you can't blame him after what just happened." Oh, he had _no idea_.

"Aw, Jamie," Carlos says, hurrying forward to wrap me in a hug. "Let's go look for him." I shake my head, pointing down at the note I dropped on the floor.

"R-read it," I whisper, staring intently at Kendall as he bends and picks it up. He quickly scans the letter, and then turns back to me, unable to speak.

"What is it?" Carlos asks, and when neither of us replies, he snatches the letter from Kendall's hand. "Is this from Logan?" I watch his confused expression quickly change to one of disbelief. "No..." Ms. Knight comes forward and takes the letter, reading it as well. She screams, throwing the paper to the ground as she hurries to the kitchen counter, picking up her cellphone.

"Kendall, Carlos, make sure the door and windows are locked," she says, eyes watering. "Take Katie and James and go to your room. I'm calling the police."

"What's going on?" Katie asks as I grab her arm, pulling her along to Logan and I's room as Kendall and Carlos check the door and windows. I'm trying hard to calm down, but I've lost him, _again_. And this time it's real. This time, he really is gone. "James!"

"Quiet, Katie," Kendall says as he enters the room behind us, Carlos following. He closes the door and I collapse onto a bed, releasing Katie's arm as I curl up in a ball and cry. I feel so weak for doing it, but having your heart shatter twice in a day without being fully healed makes you this way.

"Kendall, what's going on?" Katie asks, grabbing his hand. "You're scaring me! Why was mom screaming? Why is James upset?" Kendall leans down to whisper in her ear while Carlos comes over to me, placing a gentle hand on my back.

"It's alright, James. We're calling the police."

"What good will that do?" I sob, burying my face into the pillow. "We have no idea who he is or where he went!" I take in a deep breath, freezing when that scent hits my nose. I lift my head up, looking around. I'm in Logan's bed. It smells just like him... I bury my face into the pillow once again, breathing in his scent deeply, and manage to calm down a bit. At least, enough to stop crying. Katie starts to cry again, screaming up at Kendall.

"No, no, no! You're lying!"

"He's not lying, Katie," I whisper, sitting up and bringing my knees up to my chest. "Logan's really gone." She doesn't say anything else, just cries as Kendall picks her up in his arms, rocking her slightly, trying to calm her down. Police sirens go off down below in front of the Palm Woods, flashing lights dancing along the windows. Ms. Knight opens the bedroom door, eyes red with tears.

"We're going to find him," she says. "The police know what to do." There's a knock on the door, and she quickly leaves to answer it, Katie hopping out of her brother's arms to follow her. It's silent between Kendall, Carlos, and I for a moment, and then Kendall speaks up.

"They'll ask us a bunch of questions." I nod, wiping at my eyes.

"We don't know much," I say softly. "We're never going to find him."

"Don't say that," Kendall says gently. "I mean, he couldn't have gotten THAT far. I'm sure he'll be caught within a few hours, and Logan will be back home safe and sound." But something in the pit of my stomach tells me that he's wrong. This is just the beginning, and it's going to get much worse.

"The police need to speak with you guys," Katie says, poking her head into the room. I have such a bad feeling about this...

**So, there you go! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter three is now up! Thanks for all the positive reviews. I really appreciate it. This chapter turned out a bit different than I had originally planned, but I think it turned out okay. I hope you like it and please review!**

Kidnapped. The word makes my stomach turn, makes my heart speed up. Hearing it come from my own mouth, with Logan's name in the same sentence, is almost too much to bear. Speaking with the police has been difficult. I can barely get my words out, so Kendall and Carlos have been doing most of the talking, but it was only a matter of time before the two officers turned their attention to me. I'm just so exhausted and emotionally drained, and all I want is to curl up in a ball on the floor and forget about everything that's happened.

"So, you got to the hospital, and the person in the room wasn't your...uh, boyfriend?" one of the police officers asks, and I hate the way he says "boyfriend," as if he can't really believe that I'm gay. I sigh, tired of repeating myself, but I guess I can't really blame them for making sure they've got their facts straight.

"Yes," I answer simply, placing my head in my hands and taking a seat at the kitchen table. Ms. Knight places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently for a moment before pulling away, wrapping her arms around Katie.

"And you came home and found this note?" He holds up the neon pink envelope with the letter, and I nod. "And you have no idea who this man is?"

"No," I choke out, pressing my palms into my eyes so I won't cry again. The second officer speaks up.

"And you expect us to believe this?" I look up at him in shock, my mouth dropping open as I take in the look on his face. His eyes are narrowed, frowning slightly in disapproval.

"It's the truth," I say softly, my eyes pleading with him to believe me, to understand, but I can tell he doesn't.

"Hospitals don't work like that. They don't just bring in an unidentified body and ask around for people who know them," he says, stepping towards me. "And that note could have been written by anybody. The envelope is _pink_. Why would a kidnapper go through the trouble of getting pink envelopes?" I don't know what to say, but luckily, Kendall does.

"How the hell should we know?" he practically snarls, clearly angry. "It's _your_ job to find out why the hospital listened to some stranger. And why does it matter what color the envelope is? Our friend is _missing!_"

"Is he?" the officer counters, staring Kendall down. "This just doesn't make sense." The other officer, the nicer one, pulls his partner away from me, looking at me apologetically.

"Maybe we should question the hospital," he suggests, turning his attention to his partner. "We can't accuse them of lying until we've questioned everyone involved."

"We're not lying!" I insist, standing up and stepping towards them, my body shaking. "You need to find him! _Please._"

"We'll do what we can," the nice officer says before pulling the other officer towards the door. "We'll call you if we learn anything." And then they're gone, and my stomach sinks. The slight hope I had disappears, and I sink to the ground, staring at the door in disbelief. How could he not believe us? Why would we lie about something like this?

"Don't worry, James. They'll find him," Kendall says, but I don't acknowledge him. A burning rage is building in the pit of my stomach, my eyes filling with angry tears. They don't believe me. They're not going to find Logan. My anger grows, and grows, and I'm on my feet in an instant, hands clenched into fists.

"Stop saying that!" I snap, turning towards Kendall. "You heard them. They don't believe us! The only way we're going to find Logan is if we look for him ourselves!" I spin around and hurry out the door, ignoring the calls of my name. They all think everything will be fine because the police are involved, but I know better. The way that one officer looked at me... They probably won't even bother going to the hospital. I decide on taking the stairs, taking them two at a time in my rush. I come close to twisting my ankle several times, but I don't slow my pace. By the time I reach the lobby I'm running, ignoring Bitters as he yells at me to slow down. I won't be here long, anyway. I push past the front doors, heart pounding. I know what I'm doing may be stupid, and probably won't make a difference, but it's almost as if something is pulling me to do this. I _have_ to look for him.

"Don't worry, Logan," I whisper to myself. "I'll find you." But I'm mostly saying it to keep myself from breaking down in sobs. Deep in my heart I know here's nothing I can do. I have no idea who kidnapped him, or where he is, and even if I did, I would probably just end up getting myself kidnapped as well. With a heavy sigh, I stop running, closing my eyes tightly. I won't cry, not now. I need to be strong. I need to find him. I take a shaky breath and open my eyes, looking around at my surroundings. I'm at the park, which isn't exactly the best place to look. Shaking my head to clear it, I try to calm down and think about where Logan could be. LA is just so huge, though... I sigh again before walking, heading in a random direction. Logan had left a couple hours ago, leaving plenty of time for the kidnapper to get away. My heart sinks, and my throat gets tight, but I keep my head up, searching the people I see for Logan. I can only hope that he's still in LA and not stuck in a car on his way out of the city, or worse, the state.

Desperation kicks in after almost three hours. The sun is starting to go down, and the people beginning to head home. Of course there's still a ton if traffic, but that just makes it hard to get from one place to another. My boyfriend could be in any one of those cars. He's probably so scared and worried.

"Logan!" I scream, hoping that he'll answer my call and I can save him and everything will be okay. But all I hear is almost complete silence. "Logan!" Is he hurt? Does he miss me? Is he even alive? "_Logan!_" A few people give me weird looks, but I just ignore them, continuing to scream Logan's name as I walk. Soon the sun is behind the trees, and it's too dark to keep searching. The bars and clubs are starting to fill up, and it's loud. Even if Logan was near-by, I doubt he could hear me. I walk for a few more minutes before turning back, my eyes glued to the ground. The walk back to the Palm Woods is long and agonizing. I've failed Logan, and now he's left to fend for himself tonight. My eyes burn, but I refuse to let the tears fall. I don't deserve to cry. I'm pathetic. I couldn't even find my own boyfriend, the guy I love more than anything in the world. I wasn't even worried when he was late getting home from the grocery store. Maybe if I wasn't so self-centered I would have known something was wrong. I could have at least called him to make sure he was okay... Called him... My eyes widen as I pull out my cellphone, dialing his number and almost bouncing in anticipation as I hear it ring. Why didn't I think of this before? I hear a click and the ringing ends, and my breath gets caught in my throat.

"Logan?" I breathe, heart pounding. "Is that you, babe?"

"Guess again," a voice answers, and I swear my heart skips a beat.

"Where's Logan you asshole?" I growl, eyes narrowing. "Let him go!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"_Let him go!_" I scream, tears pooling in my eyes. My voice turns to a choked whisper. "Please let him go." The man laughs, a cold, evil sound that brings goosebumps to my arms.

"_Never_," he breathes, and then he hangs up, and I'm running again, tears blurring my vision. I redial the number, praying he'll answer again, but of course he doesn't. I was stupid to think he would have let Logan keep his phone.

By the time I reach the Palm Woods, it's late. The lobby is empty, the pool is closed, and most of the lights are off. The elevator is shut down for the night, so I'm forced to take the stairs. Normally I wouldn't care, but my legs are sore from walking/running so long, and my head is spinning with all the different ways Logan's kidnapper could be hurting him. My tears have slowly stopped, but I'm sure my eyes are still red. Thankfully everyone in 2J should be asleep, so I can just sneak in and go to bed without people questioning me. Unfortunately, today is just not my day. Kendall is sitting at the kitchen table when I enter the apartment, obviously waiting for me. We stare at each other silently for a moment.

"The police called," he says finally, and I stare down at my feet. "Logan's their top priority. They have people out looking for him right now." I choose to stay silent, keeping my eyes on the floor as I slowly walk in the direction of Logan and I's bedroom. "James, wait!" I stop and look back at him. He opens his mouth as if he's about to say something, and then closes it again, giving me a sympathetic look. I stare at him a moment longer before turning and walking more quickly to my room. As soon as the door is closed behind me I slump against it, closing my eyes and breathing deeply. Everyone just wants to help, but they're just making this harder on me. I can't take all their sympathetic looks, their reassurances, their _optimism_. Logan's not okay. He's not safe. The police will never find him, and I'll never see him again. I force myself away from the door and collapse onto Logan's bed, which he only really uses to take naps. We both sleep in my bed at night. His scent fills my nose, and I will myself to sleep, needing to escape all this pain. I know I'm going to end up dreaming about him, and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Probably a bit of both.

"Goodnight, Logie," I whisper, wishing he was here with me. The silence that follows kills me. Right about now he would be answering with a sleepy "Goodnight, Jamie," and I would peacefully drift asleep with him beside me. But the spot at my side where he usually sleeps is cold, like my now-broken heart, and I'm starting to realize just how much I can't live without him. I need him, more than I've ever needed something before. He's my lifeline, my rock. Without him, I'm nothing. Without him, I'm not even James Diamond.


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's another update for you guys! Didn't I just update, like, _yesterday_? Yay for the quick update! You can all thank SweetPeaKiller for that. Her reviews(and everybody else's) motivate me to update. **

"James. Wake up." 

I roll over blindly, pulling my blanket tighter around my shoulders. Ignoring the hand shaking my shoulder, I attempt to fall back asleep, letting out a yawn. It's _way_ too early to get up. 

"James!" I recognize the voice as Kendall's, and reluctantly open my eyes to glare at him. He's standing with his arms crossed, his hair tussled as if he's just woken up. For a moment, all I can do is stare. Why is Kendall waking me up? Where's Logan? And then everything comes flooding back to me, and I shut my eyes tightly again, groaning.

"Go away," I mutter. "Please. It's too early to get up, anyway."

"_Early?_" James, it's two in the afternoon."

"What?" I say in disbelief, opening my eyes once again to glance at the clock. Alright, maybe it's not so early after all... "Whatever. I'm tired. Let me sleep." Kendall smacks my arm, and I groan once again, turning my gaze back to him.

"Look, I know you're upset, but you can't spend the entire day in bed," he says, grabbing my wrist and pulling me into a sitting position.

"Yes, I can," I argue, yanking my arm away. "You have _no_ idea what I'm going through, okay?"

"That's not true." I lay back down, turning my back to him. I refuse to argue with him right now. "James, get the hell up." Kendall rolls me off the bed, and I land with a painful thud on the floor. I don't move, refusing to give him the satisfaction of seeing me get up. I'm fully intent on just lying here until I die, trying to ignore the pain in my chest.

"Go away," I say harshly, and I don't really try to sound mean, but I'm tired and crabby, and all I want is to be left alone to my dreams. I have such sweet dreams of Logan when I sleep, dreams of him here with me, smiling or laughing. He's just _there_, and that's all I really need. I'm not ready to face reality yet. I hear Kendall sigh and leave the room, and if I wasn't feeling so sorry for myself, I probably would have grinned at my victory. I enjoy the silence, closing my eyes and trying to get comfortable on the hard floor. I'm just about to drift off when I hear footsteps, and I glance up to find Carlos standing over me, frowning. He doesn't say anything, just watches me for a moment before sitting down beside me.

"How are you feeling?" he asks after several minutes of thought, and I snort, turning away from him.

"Like shit," I reply, curling into a ball.

"I know that, but..." He pauses, and I hear him fidget a bit. "You say we can't understand what you're going through..."

"You can't."

"Then help us understand, James," Carlos practically pleads, and he sounds so desperate I actually turn back around to look at him. I stare at him for a long time, debating whether or not I should let him in. And even if I did try to describe it to him, would he even understand? "James?" With a sigh, I push myself up, forcing myself to stand and leave the room. Kendall looks up from his spot on the couch as I walk past.

"Happy now?" I spit, making my way to the kitchen. I don't look back to see his reaction. Katie and Ms. Knight must be out and about, and I'm glad. I already have to deal with Kendall and Carlos trying to get me to open up; I don't need those two trying to comfort me. There's a tornado of emotions ripping through my chest right now, and nothing anyone says or does is going to help me. Can't they see I'm _broken?_

I subconsciously grab a bowl from the cabinet, setting it down on the table before grabbing a box of cereal, a spoon, and some yogurt from the fridge. Once everything is all set up and the cereal is back in its place, I sit down, resting my head on the table and closing my eyes. The tornado in my chest is growing, getting more difficult to control. Any second now, I'm going to burst. This is all too much. What did I ever do to deserve this? What did _Logan_ do to deserve this? He's so caring and kind and innocent. Why is he being punished? The tornado moves closer to my heart, and I let out a quiet, choked sound. I can't live through this, I can't. Desperate not to cry, I lift my head up, intent on eating my late breakfast to get my mind off things for at least a few minutes. This, however, is a mistake. Without really realizing it, I grabbed Logan's favorite bowl, filled it with his favorite cereal, and got out the yogurt, which he likes to eat once he's done with his Frosted Flakes. This is the breakfast _Logan_ has every morning. I stand up quickly, knees banging into the table hard, causing the bowl of cereal to fall to the floor. It smashes into a bunch a jagged pieces, milk and Frosted Flakes flying everywhere. All I can do is stare at the mess, tears welling up in my eyes despite my efforts to hold them back. Kendall and Carlos appear from the living room, worried looks on their faces.

"James, what happened?" Kendall asks, making his way over to me. Carlos bends down to examine the mess.

"Logan's favorite bowl," I whisper, unable to take my eyes off the little bits of ceramic littering the floor. "I broke his favorite bowl..."

"It's okay, we'll clean it up and-"

"No," I mutter, sinking to my knees, ignoring Kendall's soothing words. "I broke it. I broke his bowl. It's his favorite bowl!" I begin frantically picking up the sharp pieces, ignoring the pain that erupts in my fingers as the jagged edges cut my skin. "I need to fix it! He'll be so upset when he finds out!" Carlos and Kendall pull at my shoulders, trying to bring me away from the mess. My blood mixes with the milk, creating pink.

"James, you're cutting yourself!" Kendall says, grabbing my arm. "Stop it!"

"It's his favorite bowl!" I cry, tears rushing down my cheeks. "I'm so clumsy! How could I break his favorite bowl?" With one final, hard tug, Kendall and Carlos manage to pull me away from the fragments and to my feet. Carlos grabs some paper towel, pressing it against the cuts on my fingers and palm.

"Come on. We need to get you to a hospital."

"No! We need to fix his bowl!" I shout, but I let them pull me away, the stinging in my hands starting to really hurt. I glance down at them, grimacing when I see the blood soaking through the paper towel. "Oh my god... I'm bleeding!" The tornado in my chest calms down a bit, and I attempt to clear my head. I feel sick to my stomach. Unlike Logan, I _hate_ blood. I can't stand the sight of it, or the smell of it.

"Let's just get to the hospital," Carlos says gently. "Don't look at your hands. You'll be okay." I nod, looking straight ahead.

"What did I do?" I say softly, ignoring the temptation to look down at my hands. "It hurts."

"They wouldn't hurt if you had just let us clean up the mess instead of flinging your hands all over the sharp pieces," Kendall says.

"I'm sorry," I say quietly, and Kendall's face softens.

"No, it's alright," he says. "Just, what were you thinking?" He glances at me worriedly. "You scared me a bit back there."

"I don't know," I reply, glancing down at my hands. "I just saw the mess a-and I just felt so awful. It's his favorite bowl and now it's, it's broken."

"We'll just buy a new one," Carlos says, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Logan will never know the difference." Hearing Logan's name brings a sharp stab of pain to my heart.

"It won't be the same. This is all my fault..."

"Don't beat yourself up about it," Kendall says gently, and I look down at my feet. "I'm sure Logan will understand." Once again, I feel a sharp stab of pain in my chest.

"Logan's not coming home," I say bitterly, and Kendall frowns.

"Of course he is. The police will find him and bring him home." I choose to stay silent after that, all through the car ride to the hospital, throughout the short wait in the waiting room, even when the doctor says he'll have to stitch up a few of my cuts. Okay, maybe I whimpered a _few_ times while the doctor was stitching my hand, but come on, who doesn't get nervous watching a needle go through their flesh? The car ride home is the same, none of us speaking, and though I can't stand the silence, I can't quite bring myself to talk to them. I feel horrible, making this such a big ordeal. Kendall and Carlos are being nice about it, but I don't know how to feel about that. I don't really deserve their kindness after acting like such a jerk to them.

Once back inside apartment 2J, I attempt to head into the kitchen to clean up my mess, but Kendall and Carlos don't let me anywhere near it, pushing me towards the couch instead. Feeling guilty, I sit down, trying to focus on the TV, skimming through the channels before finally turning on National Geographic. I don't really pay attention to it, though. This is the channel Logan likes to watch, not me, but nothing else seems right to put on. It's three thirty, which is when Logan gets to watch what he wants. After several more minutes, Kendall and Carlos come and sit down on either side of me, Carlos giving me a weird look.

"You're watching National Geographic?" he asks, and I shake my head.

"Not really," I say, and then shrug. "It's three thirty." Kendall catches on quick, eyes widening slightly as he realizes what I'm doing.

"James, you can watch whatever you want," he says gently. "Logan's not here."

"I know that," I snap, and then I feel awful. "I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm going to my room." I get up before either of them can say anything else and practically run to my room, closing the door softly before turning to glance around, childishly hoping that Logan will be there, waiting for me. But, of course, he's not, and my heart thumps painfully. However, there _is_ something quite familiar resting on Logan's bed, and my heart speeds up as I slowly walk towards it. With shaking hands I reach for the neon pink envelope, time seeming to slow as I open it. Inside is a single DVD, and written across its front in sharpie is "Video #1."

**Dun, dun, dun! Sorry for the cliffhanger; I just couldn't help myself. I'll try to update again soon so you guys won't have to wait too long. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Alright, this chapter is where the M rating really kicks in, but I can't say more without giving things away. This is also the first time I've written something like this, so hopefully it's believable and not completely terrible. Hopefully you guys didn't wait too long for the update. I promise this chapter doesn't have a cliffhanger.**

For a long time, all I do is stare at the DVD in my hands, torn between the need to watch it and the fear of seeing its contents. I can't really breathe, or maybe I'm just forgetting how to, my mind a bunch of jumbled thoughts. Will Logan be in the video? What will he look like? I don't think I'll be able to see him hurt without completely breaking down again. My stomach churns painfully, and I sit down on Logan's bed, feeling like I'm going to throw up. Maybe I should tell Carlos and Kendall and we could watch it together... That wouldn't be so bad, right? They could comfort me if I see something that upsets me. My eyes flicker to the door, but I make no move to get up. The kidnapper left this envelope in _my_ room. Maybe I'm supposed to keep it a secret. But, how did he get into the apartment?

"Keep it together, James," I mutter to myself. "There's nothing to be afraid of, right? After all, it's just a video..." There's a knock on the door, startling me so bad I drop the DVD. It goes rolling under the bed, and I calm my pounding heart before getting up to open the door. I'm not surprised to see Carlos, standing there awkwardly.

"Just wanted to make sure you were okay," he says softly, looking down at his feet. I swallow hard, glancing back at the bed. Should I tell him? How will he react? "James?"

"Hmm?" I say, looking back at him. "I'm fine, Carlos." He stares at me for a moment, his eyes searching my own. I end up looking away, hoping he won't see the battle raging in my head right now.

"Okay," he says finally, his voice just barely above a whisper. "You need anything?" I shake my head, forcing a small smile.

"Nope. I'm good." He nods before turning and walking away, and I sigh, closing the door once he's gone from my sight. I hate pushing everyone away, but I just don't feel like I deserve their comfort. I must be a horrible person if fate decided to take away Logan, the one person I love more than life itself. Well, maybe that's not a good comparison, seeing as Logan IS my life... All I know is I love him_ a lot_. Why didn't I tell him that before he left for the grocery store? Why did I just assume he would be back? I'm so stupid! Why can't I just be as perfect as Logan is? I don't even deserve his love. I'm just James Diamond, the self-centered pretty boy, the "face." But Logan, he's so much more than that, and I never told him. I just always hoped he could see it in my eyes, and now I'll never be able to tell him.

I slowly make my way to the bed, collapsing to my knees next to it and reaching around underneath until my fingers hit the rounded edge of the DVD. I don't look at it as I pull it out from underneath the bed, afraid I'll just stare at it again if I see it. I silently thank Logan for letting me put a TV and DVD player in our bedroom as I stand back up, subconsciously holding my breath as I walk to the dresser. I turn on the TV and put in the DVD, biting my lip as I hit play.

Logan appears on the screen, tied to a bed. I quickly scan his body, sighing in relief when the only injury I see is a bruise on his left cheekbone. His eyes are closed, and if it wasn't for the rapid rising of his chest I would think he was asleep. It's silent for several seconds, and then a door opens somewhere off camera, and Logan's eyes snap open, wide with fear. My stomach sinks as whoever entered appears on screen, his back turned to the camera. The man is wearing a dark blue hoodie, effectively covering the back of his head.

"Hello there, Logan," he says, laughing when my dark-haired lover starts to cry silently. Oh, Logan... My poor Logan... "No need to cry, now." The man places a hand on Logan's cheek, and he turns his head away.

"Don't touch me," he says weakly. Smirking, his kidnapper grabs hold of his chin, forcing Logan to look him in the eyes.

"You'd better get used to it," he says, stroking the bruise on Logan's cheekbone with his thumb. "Does this hurt?"

"Yeah," Logan says softly, and then his eyes narrow slightly, his voice raising a few octaves. "That's where my face hit the hood of the car."

"It never would have happened if you'd just listened to me."

"And let you kidnap me?" Logan snaps, voice growing louder. "And I told you not to touch me!" The man just chuckles.

"Getting an attitude now, are we?" he mutters, moving his hand to run it down Logan's neck and chest. My boyfriend shivers and closes his eyes tightly. "I like touching you."

"Why are you doing this?" Logan asks, his voice soft once again. "What do you want?"

"I want you," Hoodie replies simply, lifting the hem of Logan's shirt a bit. "You will finally be mine."

"I already have a boyfriend." Logie pulls at his restraints, eyes opening to look around in desperation.

"You won't ever see James again."

"Please stop," Logan says as the man's hand travels up his bare chest, pulling his shirt up even more. He begins crying once more, squirming, and I want to look away, but my eyes are glued to the screen. Silent tears begin rolling down my own cheeks. Why am I being shown this? Logan whimpers as his kidnapper pushes his shirt up all the way, pulling it behind his head. He squirms even more, knees lifting as he tries to pull his ankles free.

"Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you," the man says gently, reaching for Logan's belt. "Much."

"Don't!" my poor Logan cries, a loud sob escaping his throat. "No!" His kidnapper ignores his pleas, undoing his belt and pushing his pants and boxers down to his ankles.

"So beautiful," he murmurs, running a finger down my boyfriend's length, humming in satisfaction. I feel sick once again, tears dripping onto my shirt. I stumble backwards until I reach my bed, falling down onto it as I helplessly watch my Logan get raped.

"No! Stop!" he screams, still squirming. "Please don't..." I stop breathing, my heart racing as the man pulls down his own pants and boxers in one fluid motion, climbing onto the bed. He's hard, clearly turned on by my shorter lover's pleas. As he positions himself between Logan's legs, I let out a soft, agonized whimper. Please don't... Oh god...

"I've waited so long to do this..."

"_No!_" Logan screams again, pulling against his restraints with all his strength, voice choked with sobs. Hoodie slowly pushes in, not even bothering to prepare him, and Logan lets out a blood-curdling scream, body going limp in defeat. "No, no, no..." I have to look away, unable to watch as Logan's kidnapper slides in and out of him, a look of pure glee on his face. But I can still hear Logan's screams, and my heart breaks over and over and over again until there's nothing left. How could anyone be this cruel? How could they do something so awful?

"There, all done," the man says after another few minutes, and I glance up, finally throwing up when I take in Logan's sobbing form. Thankfully, I manage to lean over the bed and puke on the floor instead of on my blankets, but I don't even really care at the moment. The kidnapper pulls out of him, and there's blood. Oh god... I throw up again before jumping to my feet, turning off the TV before I can hear any more of my lover's sobs. I eject the DVD and place it back in the envelope, hiding it under some shoe boxes in my closet. I can't show Kendall and Carlos. It will be too much for them, and, well...I feel it's a bit private. Obviously, the kidnapper wanted _me_ to see it if he placed it in my room... I just stand there for a moment in silence, and then it becomes too much, and I'm racing out the door and downstairs to the living room, practically throwing myself onto Kendall's lap. I sob into his shoulder, needing some kind of comfort. I know neither him nor Carlos will ask questions, so I won't have to lie to them. I don't have to tell them anything, and they'll still be there for me. I'm extremely selfish for doing this, but I can quite bring myself to care. I just watched Logan get raped... And it was "Video #1." There's going to be more, obviously... Oh, my poor, sweet Logan...

"Shh, it's okay," Kendall soothes, rubbing my back. "Logan's going to be fine." He doesn't know... He doesn't know anything! Of course, that's kind of my fault... I'm a horrible person for not telling them. I just...I can't... If I say it out loud, it will just become official. If I keep it quiet, I can just pretend that Logan's fine, that he's not being raped by some strange man, all alone, sobbing... Oh, who am I kidding?

"He needs me, Kendall! He needs me!" I sob, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck. "I'm such a bad boyfriend! I can't save him!"

"This isn't your fault, Jamie."

"Yes, it is!" I whisper, pulling away from him. "I should have went with him, or called him, or..." I shut my mouth, feeling sick once again. Kendall seems to notice this, because in an instant he's pulling me into his arms and carrying me to the bathroom, Carlos following behind.

"Just breathe," Carlos says gently as Kendall places me down by the toilet. "It's alright. You're okay."

"I threw up in my room," I mutter, blushing slightly. "I should go clean it up..."

"No," Kendall says. "I'll go clean it up. You're sick. Just stay here and try to calm down." He leaves the room, and I feel like such a little kid. First I broke a bowl, cut my hand, broke down sobbing in Kendall's arms, and now he's cleaning up my barf. I feel so helpless...

"Calm down, Jamie," Carlos says softly, rubbing my back like Kendall had. "I know you're worried about Logan, but the police are looking for him. He's strong enough to survive until then." Yeah, he can survive. He just, you know, has to endure _rape!_ I push Carlos away from me, getting up.

"I'm taking a shower. Get out."

"But, James-" I push Carlos out the door before he can finish, closing and locking it before stripping. I turn on the water before stepping into the shower, ignoring the burning as I sink to my knees. I let the hot water wash away my tears, closing my eyes and leaning my head against the wall. The sound of the water pushes out all thoughts of Logan and what I just saw, and I enjoy the temporary peace, letting the water wash away all the pain. I know I'm going to be in here a while, and Ms. Knight will probably complain about me using a bunch of water, but I'm willing to pay the price. Right now, I'm comfortable, and it's a blessing to be able to actually feel _good_.

I'm not sure how long I'm in the shower, but when I finally get out, the warm water has been replaced with cold, and my fingers and toes are all wrinkly. I never even actually washed my hair or body. I just sat there, clearing my head, but now that the cool air is hitting my body, everything is coming back to me. I quickly wrap a towel around myself, frowning as I remember I have no clean clothes to change into. I guess I could always just change into my dirty clothes until I reach my bedroom...

"James?" There's a knock on the door. "I brought you some clean clothes..." I grin ever so slightly as I unlock the door and take the clothes from Carlos.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome," he says, smiling before leaving again, and I quickly get dressed, blow-drying my soaking wet hair. It's not that I'm really thinking about my looks at the moment; I just don't like walking around with wet hair. I gather my wet towel and dirty clothes and throw them in the hamper before heading out into the living room.

"Oh, James, you should probably change the bandages on your hands," Ms. Knight says when she sees me. "They're all wet. Here, I'll do it." She grabs my arm and brings me to the kitchen table, sitting me down before unwrapping them. "Oh, you poor thing..."

"Um, actually, it's kind of my fault," I mutter, embarrassed. "I was being stupid." Ms. Knight gives me a sympathetic look before wrapping new bandages around my hands.

"There. All better."

"Thanks," I mutter, offering her a small, grateful smile before getting up and grabbing an apple, taking a small bite and heading back to the living room.

"Hey, James," Katie greets from the couch, snuggled next to her brother. I force a smile and sit down on her other side.

"Hey, Katie. How was your day?"

"It was okay," she says, shrugging. "Boring." I nod, turning my attention to the TV. A movie is playing, though I'm not sure what. No one seems to be really watching it, anyway.

"Where's Carlos," I ask, a bit curious. But, really, I'm just trying to take my mind off of Logan.

"He's in our room," Kendall replies, glancing over at me. "He said he was tired." My gaze travels to the clock, and I'm surprised to see that it's already eight. I was in the shower a lot longer than I thought...

"And you're not tired?" I ask Kendall, raising an eyebrow. "You pretty much had to take care of me all day..." I look away, ashamed.

"Truthfully, I'm exhausted," he admits, and I frown. "But not because of you. I was up pretty much all night, worried about Logan."

"I didn't sleep all that great, either," I mutter. "I kept waking up..." I finish my apple quickly, using the core as an excuse to get up. I throw it away before heading back upstairs, pausing outside Kendall and Carlos's bedroom door when I hear crying coming from inside. I lean against the door for a moment, debating whether or not I should go in. I'm not exactly the best person to cheer up Carlos, but he's been nice to me all day, even when I didn't deserve it. I can't just leave him... Sighing, I quietly open the door and peek in. Carlos is sitting on his bed, head in his hands, back facing me. He's shaking slightly, and I hurry over to him, wrapping him in a hug. Neither one of us says anything, but that's okay. All we need is the other, to not be alone, and the pain becomes slightly bearable.

**So, what do you guys think?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hmm… Not too sure how this chapter turned out. I'm starting to get writer's block, so forgive me if this sucks. I tried.**

I wake to sunlight, streaming into the room through the open window. I groan, blinking away the burning sensation in my eyes, and yawn. Yesterday is a bit of a blur, all sorts of emotions stirring up in me as I try to remember everything that happened. I remember completely breaking down after I broke Logan's favorite bowl, and then…the video… My stomach flips, and then I'm closing my eyes again, willing myself to fall back asleep. I can't do this. I can't go on knowing that Logan's being… I can't even think the word. It's too horrible.

Something stirs next to me, and for the first time I realize that something warm is pressed up against my side. My eyes pop open, and I turn to see Carlos lying next to me, mouth open in his sleep. Confused for a moment, I glance around the room. Wait a minute… This is Kendall and Carlos's room. Why am I in here? I shake my head to clear it, and then it all comes back to me. After I heard Carlos crying, I came in here and comforted him. We stayed up late talking, lying side by side. We must have fallen asleep at some point. I notice that Kendall's not in his bed, and wonder if he's already up, or if he just decided to sleep somewhere else since Carlos and I were in here.

"Carlos, wake up," I mutter, shaking his shoulder. He groans, rolling over so his back is facing me. "Carlos."

"I'm tired," my Latino friend whines, snuggling into his pillow. "And you're hogging the blanket." Rolling my eyes, I sit up, pulling the pillow from behind his head.

"Go see what everyone else is doing," I say, lying back down.

"What? Why can't you?" Carlos says, indignant. "I need sleep, too, you know."

"Yes, but I'm fully intent on lying here until I die," I murmur, closing my eyes once again.

"James."

"What?" I say, pulling more of the blanket over to me.

"You can't just stay in here and mope forever," he replies, tugging the blanket from my grip. "Come on. We'll both get up. Then we can go do something, like see a movie or get lunch." I huff, rolling over. Why won't he just go away and leave me alone? I don't want to go see a movie or get lunch. I don't want to do anything. I hear Carlos sigh and get up, and I grin to myself in victory. His footsteps quickly grow silent, and when I'm convinced he's out of the room, I let myself relax. So, when he grabs my wrist and pulls me off the bed, I scream, completely caught off guard.

"What the hell?" I say, but he doesn't answer, lifting me over his shoulder and carrying me out of the room. "Hey! Put me down!" I smack him repeatedly, flailing my legs. "Carlos!" He literally throws me onto the couch, and I glare up at him. Before I can even speak, however, he's gone again. Where is he going now? I swear, that boy makes no sense. I sit up, crossing my arms in annoyance.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed." Katie says, hopping onto the couch next to me. I ignore her, every few seconds glancing in the direction Carlos disappeared to. I just know he's planning something, and I know I'm not going to like it. "Why so angry all of a sudden?" Katie places her hand on my arm, and I turn my gaze to her.

"You mean besides the fact that Logan has been kidnapped?" I snap, and she flinches away, clearly hurt. I immediately feel bad, and let a soft smile appear on my lips. "I'm sorry, Katie. I'm just upset."

"It's okay," she says softly, snuggling into my side. "I miss him, too." I swallow hard against the tight feeling in my throat, and wrap an arm around her shoulders. It's hard trying to comfort someone when you feel like you're about to burst any second, but Katie and everyone else needs me to be strong. So, I'll be strong, for her, for Kendall, Carlos, everyone. I'll be strong for Logan. "Do you think the police will find him soon?" I bite my lip, debating whether or not I should answer truthfully. Being the pessimist I am, I really don't believe that Logan will be found, but I can't tell Katie that. I can't wipe away all traces of hope.

"Yeah, Katie," I say softly, forcing a smile so she won't know I'm lying. "The police are going to find Logan any day now, and everything's going to be okay." She nods, wrapping her arms around my waist in a tight hug.

"I miss you, too, James," she whispers. "You're different now." Guilt creeps into my chest, and I bite my lip, not sure what to say. She's right; I'm different. Without Logan here, life just doesn't seem to make sense. What's the point in living if the one person you care about the most isn't there to live your life with you? What's the point in going on when you feel so alone and helpless? Luckily, I don't have to say anything more, for at that moment, Carlos enters the room, Kendall at his side.

"Get up, James," Kendall says. "And get dressed. The three of us are going to go have some fun." I frown.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes, James," Carlos replies, and I reluctantly stand up, following them to my room. As soon as the door is shut behind me, I'm pouting, kicking at random things in annoyance. Why can't they just accept the fact that I don't want to go anywhere? I'm not going to have any fun, anyway. Grumbling to myself, I pick up a pair of jeans and a sweater off the floor, not really paying attention to the articles of clothing as I tug them on. There's a knock on the door, followed by a "hurry up!" I stare daggers at the door, combing through my hair quickly while trying to simultaneously pull on my socks. After hopping around for a few seconds, I sigh, putting down my comb to focus on my socks. Glancing in the mirror, I decide I look fine, slipping into a pair of shoes on my way to the door. Neither Kendall nor Carlos say a word to me as I walk out, and I raise an eyebrow at them questioningly. They just stand there, staring at me.

"What?" I say angrily.

"Um, isn't that Logan's sweater?" Carlos asks quietly, and I glance down at myself. He's right; I'm wearing Logan's sweater.

"Yeah…" I mutter, frowning. I look _horrible_ in red.

"Okay…" Carlos says, deciding to let it go. I just shrug, looking up to glare at the both of them.

"So, where are we going?" I ask, and Kendall grins.

"You'll see."

Ten minutes later we're standing outside of a small restaurant, a restaurant I know very well. It's Logan and I's favorite place to get lunch, seeing as the food is _incredible_ and it's only several minutes away. Why on Earth would Kendall and Carlos bring me here? Being here without Logan is painful, knowing that he's tied to a bed somewhere, waiting for me to find him. I don't even know if he's being fed. When was the last time he ate?

"I hate you both," I mutter, turning away from the building. "There's no way I'm eating here."

"What? James, you love this place!" I whirl around to stare directly into Kendall's eyes.

"Yeah, when Logan's with me," I snarl. "This is _our_ place. But he's not here, Kendall!"

"I just thought-"

"Well, you thought wrong," I cut in, crossing my arms. "I don't want to eat here."

"Okay, okay," Carlos says, stepping between Kendall and I. "We won't eat here. Let's just go see that new movie. You know, the comedy with the spies?" Of course I know which movie he's talking about. Logan's been dying to go see it for weeks. I'm starting to think Kendall and Carlos are fully intent on making my life miserable. I don't say another word, just turn around and start walking, my head down. I'm really starting to fall apart, aren't I? I can't even think about Logan without feeling the need to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't go to any of our favorite places anymore. I'll be surprised if I can even fall asleep in our room tonight.

"James, wait!" I don't stop, don't look back. I'm stuck in my little shell of misery now, letting myself mope. I don't even care about trying to stay strong anymore. I can't do it. I just can't. Every single emotion I've been feeling washes over me all at once, pain, sorrow, anger, guilt. I can't save him. I can't be there for him. The tears begin, dripping from my chin and onto Logan's sweater. It smells like him, and at the familiar scent, I finally crack, falling to my knees on the ground. I land hard, and pain erupts, shooting up my legs, but I don't care. People are staring, but I ignore them, holding my arms across my chest to keep myself from falling apart.

Arms wrap around me, holding me close, but I push them away. I don't need their comfort. I don't deserve it. This is all my fault.

"It's okay, James," Kendall whispers, and I shake my head in response. "_James_, look at me." His voice is stern, strong, and I look up at him through my lashes, vision blurred by my tears. "You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's time to get up and face the fact that Logan is gone. You need to _deal with it_. Breaking down every few minutes in sobs isn't helping anybody, especially not Logan." Kendall stands, grabbing my arm and pulling me to my feet.

"B-b-but-"

"_Enough_." Kendall cuts me off, grabbing my shoulders and looking me directly in the eyes. "Take a few deep breaths, wipe away your tears, and keep going. I know it's hard, and I know you want to just give up, but you _have_ to be strong. You don't have a choice anymore." As much as I hate to admit it, Kendall's right. He's right about everything, and that just makes me want to cry even more. All this time I've been feeling sorry for myself, when instead, I could have been searching for clues, looking around. I've failed Logan. I sniffle, and Kendall shakes me gently, snapping me out of my shell. I take a deep breath to calm myself, wipe away my tears, and pull away from his grasp. The video I have buried in my closet could help us find Logan, but…I'm still not sure I want anyone else to see it yet. Besides, it's not like it shows much of anything. The police can't do anything with a video of my boyfriend being raped. I open my mouth to say something, anything, but just then, my cellphone rings, and after several rings I manage to dig it from my pocket, glancing at the caller ID. It's Kelly.

"Hello?" I answer, clearing my throat.

"James? Gustavo wants you guys at the studio ASAP. He needs to talk to the three of you."

"Alright, we're on our way," I say before hanging up. "Gustavo needs us." Kendall and Carlos nod. Carlos drapes an arm over my shoulders as we head back to the car, and I lean against him gratefully. I need them if I'm ever going to get through this.

It feels weird walking into Rocque Records without Logan with us, but I push back the pain and concentrate and just walking, taking one step at a time, letting myself relax. I can do this. It's just a quick meeting with Gustavo and Kelly. It's not like we're going to be singing without Logan or anything, because that would just be too much.

"What do you think Gustavo wants to talk to us about?" Carlos asks, breaking the silence that had fallen over the three of us. I glance at him.

"Probably Logan," I reply softly. "We can't exactly record anything or perform without him." Carlos nods his agreement, and then it's silent again, and I'm desperately hoping that someone will say something, anything. The silence is almost unbearable. Thankfully, we reach Gustavo's office before I freak.

"Oh, good, you guys are here!" Kelly greets us, and we nod at her, turning our attention to Gustavo.

"What's up, Gustavo?" Kendall asks, sounding calm and casual, and I wonder how he does it, how he can act like he's not upset so easily.

"Well, as I'm sure you all know, we can't exactly do much until Logan's back," Gustavo replies, and I feel my stomach churn a bit. "No performances, no new songs." We nod. "Unfortunately, Griffin isn't handling this all that well. He wants a new song by the end of the week."

"What?" I practically shriek, eyes wide in horror. "We can't sing a song without Logan! We just can't!" It just doesn't seem right to me, moving forward in our career while Logan has to endure so much.

"I tried telling him that, James. He won't listen."

"That's not fair! We don't have time to record a new song! We need to find Logan!" I complain, falling back into a chair.

"Look, we have a week," Gustavo says gently, and if I wasn't so upset, I would find this strange. Normally, he just yells at us if we complain. "We can talk about this more later. Right now, I've got a song to write." With a wave of his hand, he dismisses us, and we hurry out of his office without another word.

"I can't believe this," Kendall mutters. "Griffin is out of his mind!"

"Maybe the police will have found Logan by then," Carlos says softly, eyes hopeful. Yeah, and maybe his kidnapper won't rape him anymore. _Right. _As if _that _will happen.

"Let's just go home," I say, and the other two quickly agree. Just as we start walking, Gustavo starts experimenting with his piano, and my stomach sinks.

**Review? Pretty please?**


	7. Chapter 7

**So, I decided to write from a different POV this chapter. Enjoy! :)**

**And thank you, SweetPeaKiller, for suggesting this, because I was going to write this scene from James's POV, but then I realized it would be better this way. Love ya!**

**Oh, and sorry it took a few days to update. I've been busy. I would be busy again today if I could have gone to the Big Time Rush concert at the WI. State Fair, only like, twenty minutes from my house, but I couldn't get tickets. :( But, at least I had time to write.**

**Logan's POV**

There's really no way to describe the feeling of being kidnapped. It's beyond horrifying. It's beyond cruel. And lying here all alone, in my kidnapper's bedroom, isn't doing anything to help my mental state. In fact, I'm fairly certain I'm going insane. It's never a good thing to be left to your thoughts for too long. Pretty soon you've replayed every "what if" in the situation a million times. Fear starts to kick in, and you start to panic at the slightest noise. You never know which second could be your last, which breath you might never take. There's always that horrifying possibility that you could end up dead, or hurt, or, in my case, raped.

My ankles and wrists are chaffed from pulling against my restraints, and they sting. I'm still naked. My heart is thumping in my ears, my head is spinning, and I may just throw up the little bit of food I have left in my stomach. My eyes sting with unsure tears, and I can't seem to find my voice. I'm pretty sure I'm shaking from head to toe, but I can't tell if it's from the fan spinning above me or fear. Most likely both.

And James... I hope he's okay. I know he must be driving himself crazy looking for me. There's not a doubt in my mind that he'll find me, no matter how long it takes. I just hope I can survive that long. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him, or if he's in such disbelief he doesn't really feel anything.

Suddenly, I hear footsteps, right outside the door, and I nearly pass out, but I force myself to stay awake, knowing that I'm more vulnerable when I'm unconscious. I'm exhausted, though. I haven't sleep since I got here, and I can barely keep my eyes open at times, but now, my eyes are wide open. The door opens, and _he_ walks in, still wearing that dark blue hoodie, and the tears I've been holding back break free. He smirks, bright blue eyes flashing as he walks closer, and I turn my head away so I won't have to watch him come closer.

"Hey, Logan," he says casually, as if we've known each other for years, and I swallow back a sob. I hate how he acts so calm before he does such horrible things. How can he live with himself? He places a hand on my cheek, sitting down on the bed beside me. I refuse to look at him, trying to forget that he's there. I don't want to look into those cold blue eyes. I don't want to see his freckled face and sandy blonde hair. However, he doesn't like being ignored. He places a firm hand on my chin, turning my face so I'm looking directly at him. I close my eyes, trying to ignore his breath on my face.

"What do you want now?" I ask quietly, cringing away when he chuckles.

"Same as always," he replies simply. "You." And then his lips are on mine, and I'm trying so desperately to turn my head away, but he's got a vice-like grip on my chin. His tongue slides along my lower lip, and I keep my lips pressed tightly together. No way in _hell_ is he sticking his tongue in my mouth. Unfortunately, he seems to have different thoughts. He brings a fist down onto my stomach, knocking the wind out of me, causing me to open my mouth as I try to breathe. His tongue is jammed into my mouth in an instant, and I can't seem to get enough air. I weakly pull at my restraints, eyes wide open as I desperately try to catch my breath. I try breathing through my nose, but he's too close for me to inhale enough oxygen. This is it. I'm going to die. And then, _finally_, he pulls away, and I throw my head back, chest heaving painfully as I take deep breaths. The oxygen seems to leave my lungs as soon as it's replenished, and I struggle for a few seconds before I manage to take a few normal breaths, the air finally seeming to fill my lungs. My kidnapper is watching me with wide eyes, and I turn to him, eyes narrowed.

"You _idiot!_" I spit. "You can't knock the wind out of someone and then not let them breathe!" He looks shocked for a moment, and then his expression turns angry.

"I wouldn't have had to if you'd just opened your damn mouth," he says, not even showing the least bit of concern, and I turn away from him again, tears pooling once again. I just want to go home... "Are you hungry?"

"W-what?"

"I said, are you hungry?" he repeats, voice softening a bit. "You haven't eaten in a while..." Truthfully, I'm starving, but I'm not sure I want to eat anything he gives me. On the other hand, he'd have to untie my wrists so I could eat, and I might be able to get away...

"Yeah," I reply, turning to look at him once again. "I'm starving." He quickly stands.

"Alright, I'll go get you something," he says, and then he's gone. I force myself to calm down, a few stray tears still making their way down my cheeks. I'm okay. Everything's going to be okay. I just need to calm down and focus. As soon as my wrists are untied, I can try to injure him and get away, but I need to concentrate. Then I just need to find my way home...

After another few minutes, my kidnapper re-enters the room, holding a plate of what looks like mashed potatoes and chicken. I'm surprised. I was expecting a bag of chips or something.

"I hope you like chicken and mashed potatoes," he says, sitting down on the bed. "I'm not the best cook, but it shouldn't be too terrible."

"You made this?" I ask, eyeing the plate of food. I have to admit, it looks pretty good. My stomach rumbles, and the man smiles.

"Yep. I made it last night," he replies. "These are just the leftovers." I nod, and he scoops up a bit of mashed potatoes with a spoon, bringing it to my lips. I'm confused for a moment, and then my stomach sinks as I realize that he's not going to untie me. "Go on, eat." I hesitate, frowning slightly. But my stomach rumbles again, and I reluctantly take the spoon into my mouth, swallowing the mashed potatoes. My kidnapper then cuts a piece of chicken, which I eat as well. Disappointment fills my stomach, and I barely taste the food as it slides down my throat. My eyes sting with tears that threaten to fall, but I hold then back, not wanting to cry and let this man see how upset I am. Soon the food is all gone, and he places the dirty plate on the bedside table before looking down at me. It's silent for a moment before I decide to speak up.

"Who are you?"

"You should know," he says, frowning. "But no, you never paid attention to me." I look up at him, confused. What does he mean? I've never seen this guy before in my life. His voice turns bitter. "We went to school together. I was in your math class in seventh grade."

"I...don't think that was me..." I say softly, trying to remember him, but I honestly don't recognize him.

"Oh, it was you," he says angrily. "I was new that year, didn't have any friends. No one paid attention to me, especially not you. I could tell you were different from everyone else. You were kinder, more caring. I fell in love with you." I blush, looking away. "It was hard for me, realizing that I was in love with you. I didn't want to be gay, but when I looked at you, I _knew_. You were the one for me."

"Why didn't you try and talk to me?" I ask gently.

"I did," he spits. "But you were always so distracted with your three best friends, especially James. He was always occupying your mind. All you ever saw was him. You never gave anyone else a chance. I tried _so hard_ to get you to notice me, but you ignored me, just like everyone else."

"I'm sorry," I say quietly. "I didn't mean to. I was in love."

"Oh, I know you were. With _James_ of all people," he growls. "That self-centered asshole. He doesn't appreciate what he has. He doesn't love you, not like I do."

"That's not true," I say, eyes narrowing. "James loves me more than you know, and he _does_ appreciate me. And he didn't have to _kidnap_ me to earn my love."

"You never gave me a chance!" he practically screams, standing up. "You don't even recognize me! But that's alright. You're mine now."

"I'll never be yours." My kidnapper runs a hand down my chest, and I shudder. Oh god, not again. Please, not again. His hand travels lower, run in down my thigh, and I start to cry once again, pulling at my restraints with all my strength. I can't take this, not again.

"You're so perfect," he murmurs, and I let out a shaky sob.

"Please don't do this," I whisper. "I'm begging you." He ignores me, grabbing hold of my cock. "Stop!"

"Shut up!" he snarls, slapping me across the face. I whimper, closing my eyes in defeat as he strokes me harshly a few times. And then his hand is gone, and when I open my eyes, he's nowhere to be found. I let my body go limp in relief, glancing around the room just to make sure he's not there. My eyes find the camera in the corner of the room, and I stare right at it for a few moments. I'm not sure why it's there, and when I asked about it, all I got was a laugh in response. But I want to make sure that when he plays back the video, he sees the hatred in my eyes. I want to make sure he knows that I will never love him.


	8. Chapter 8

**So, I currently have horrible writer's block, but I think this chapter turned out pretty good despite that. Enjoy! **

_One week later…_

It seems to me that every time something bad happens to someone, something else has to happen to make the situation worse. There's no stopping it; it's just inevitable. And now, not only is Logan gone, but Griffin wants a new song, and he wants it today. In fact, he'll be here in about five minutes, and we don't have anything to give him. We're doomed.

"Do you think he'll give us some more time?" Carlos asks nervously, and I wrap an arm around his shoulders, pulling him in for a quick hug.

"Maybe," I say, shrugging. "But even if he does give us more time, we can't do this without Logan." We've been trying all week to record something, _anything_, but nothing sounds right. We need Logan. There's no Big Time Rush without him.

"Griffin's not going to be too happy," Gustavo says, standing up to pace back and forth. "I just don't see how we can convince him to wait until Logan's back…" I frown slightly, eyes narrowing. Griffin is the _least _of my problems. Sure, I want him to give us another chance, but I've got so much on my mind it's hard to concentrate on something that seems so small. The police still don't have any news on Logan. They haven't even found our car, yet. Deep inside I'm breaking, little by little, but I hide it. Kendall told me to be strong, and I'm trying, but when there's no one else around, all of my worries resurface, and I just can't pretend anymore. It's just too impossible. I cry myself to sleep just about every night, waking up several times from wonderful dreams about Logan only to remember that he's gone. It's _killing _me inside, but I can't show it, can't tell anyone. I'm surprised I can even keep up the act, feeling how I do. But I do, and somehow I manage to get through every day without shedding a single tear in front of anyone.

"We'll make him see it our way, Gustavo," Kendall says, and I swallow back all the things I want to scream at him. Griffin won't see it our way. Logan isn't going to be okay. _Nothing's _going to be okay. Everything is ruined. I'll never see Logan again, never run my hands through his soft hair, never look into his chocolate brown eyes. We'll never hold hands, kiss, make love. I tremble slightly, placing a hand on the table next to me to steady myself.

"James, are you okay?" Carlos asks, concerned, and I take a few deep breaths before I answer him.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I reply, relieved when my voice doesn't shake. "I just lost my balance." I shoot him a small smile. His eyes lock onto mine for a moment, searching for something, and then he turns away, looking slightly confused. Or maybe he's just deep in thought. Either way, his attention is no longer on me, and I let out the breath I'd subconsciously been holding.

"He should be here any second…" Kelly mutters, checking the time on her phone. I turn towards the door, my stomach churning. Please let this turn out okay. Please let him understand. I _really _don't need something else to worry about. And then, finally, Griffin appears, and I'm so anxious and nervous I nearly throw up right then and there. I'm really kind of a mess, aren't I?

"Hello, Gustavo," our CEO says, and Gustavo immediately stops pacing, coming to a stop a few feet away from Griffin. "I believe you have a new song for me?"

"I, uh, you know, it's a really funny thing, but, uh-"

"Stop your blubbering, Gustavo, and just let me hear my song." Griffin interlaces his fingers behind his back, eyebrow raised as he waits for Gustavo to act. Unfortunately, the big-mouthed man seems to be at a loss for words, staring wide-eyed at his boss. I have to admit, Griffin is intimidating, but he's also being extremely unfair, and I'm not about to let him get away with it.

"We don't have a new song for you, Griffin," I speak up, stepping forward to stand next to Gustavo. "We've tried, but it's just not the same without Logan."

"We need more time," Carlos adds, and I resist the urge to roll my eyes. We need so much more than just time. Griffin turns his gaze onto me, his expression deceptively calm. I swallow back the lump in my throat, and meet his eyes, wishing I knew what he was thinking. He frowns slightly, and my heart starts racing. Please give us more time, please give us more time, please give us more time…

"Very well," our CEO says finally, and I blink in surprise, mouth dropping open. Did he just say what I think he just said? Is he really going to let it go that easily? I must be dreaming. "But I expect a new song as soon as Logan is back, Gustavo, so get to writing." He then turns on his heels and walks away, leaving the five of us to stare after him.

"Did that…really just happen?" I mutter, stepping back to stand between Kendall and Carlos. "I can't believe he just let it go."

"I can't believe it either," Kendall says. "He _always_ fights to get his way."

"Maybe he just feels bad for you guys since Logan's missing?" Kelly suggests, and we all glance at each other before shaking our heads.

"Nah," we say in unison.

"Well, this is good, right?" Carlos says. "Now we have time to focus on finding Logan." Guilt creeps up into my stomach once again, and my thoughts move to the neon pink envelope hidden in my closet. I really should show it to them… I mean, they deserve to see it, and it might help the police find Logan… But what if they get upset? I don't think I could stand seeing their expressions once they see the video. It's already taken everything I have not to break down with the weight of keeping this secret, but if I tell them, every lie I've told myself will come crashing down.

"Well, I guess you dogs can head home," Gustavo sighs. "I should really get started on this song…" Kendall, Carlos, and I nod, shooting Kelly a quick smile before leaving. The walk to the limo outside is agonizing. I'm at war with myself, going through all the pros and cons of telling Kendall and Carlos about the video. None of us says anything, though I can feel Kendall and Carlos's eyes on me the whole time. They're just so obvious about it. I mean, come on, if you're going to stare at someone, at least try to go about it in a way that makes the person less uncomfortable. It feels like they're staring into my soul, picking apart every deep, dark secret, every crazy dream. I can't stand it.

"_What?_" I finally say, irritated. They both blink in surprise, and look away, blushing.

"Nothing," Carlos mumbles, and I roll my eyes, huffing in annoyance. It's even worse once we're inside the limo, heading home. Since our car still hasn't been found, Gustavo has rented us a limo to get from place to place. It's really nice of him and all, but the whole ride home is awkward. We're forced to sit relatively close together, and every so often either Kendall or Carlos will glance my way. Do they really think I don't notice?

It's a relief when we're finally back at the Palm Woods, and I hurry out of the limo, walking as fast as I can into the lobby. Kendall and Carlos jog to keep up, and I'm _this close_ to whirling on them and telling them to get lost. I can't take this anymore. They shouldn't worry about _me, _they should worry about _Logan_. I'm fine, really I am. I just need to be alone and let out some of this frustration and sadness and worry.

"Hey, you want to head down to the pool in a little while?" Carlos asks softly, and I shake my head.

"No."

"Oh… Well, maybe we could watch a movie or something?" he suggests, and I close my eyes tightly, counting to ten.

"No, Carlos. I just want to lie down and rest." I reply, and he looks away, trying to hide his disappointment. Okay, now I just feel like an asshole…

"Maybe after I take a nap we can do something," I say reluctantly, and Carlos looks up at me, smiling. As much as I want to just mope around, making Carlos happy makes me feel good. His happiness is kind of contagious, and happiness is just what I'm going to need to get me through this. And, well, it's not his fault Logan is gone. I shouldn't act so grumpy around him and Kendall. It just hurts all of us.

"Okay!" Carlos says excitedly, and for the first time in over a week, everything feels almost normal, but there's still that empty space that only Logan can fill.

We enter apartment 2J and spread out, Kendall moving to sit on the couch, Carlos heading to the kitchen, and me heading upstairs to the bedroom. I swing open the door to Logan and I's room, eyes already closing, and practically jump onto the nearest bed, which just happens to be Logan's. I snuggle into the mattress, head falling onto the pillow. I feel a strong need to cry, but I hold back the tears, breathing in Logan's scent in an attempt to calm down. For a few moments, I can pretend that he's here, and that everything's going to be okay. I can forget why I was upset, and just relax. Letting out a quiet sigh, I stretch, my shirt riding up slightly. I feel something poking my bare skin, and reach underneath myself, pulling out something sort of smooth, and… My eyes pop open, and I stare in horror at the pink envelope in my hand. I stare at it for a moment before tearing it open, pulling out a DVD labeled "Video #2." This isn't happening… I sit up, throwing the envelope to the floor, turning the DVD over in my hands. I can't watch it, I can't. The tears come, then, flowing down my cheeks, and I bite down hard on my lower lip, drawing blood. I won't watch it.

"No," I whisper, standing up. Should I go show Kendall and Carlos? But what if they notice the "Video #2" written on the DVD? They'll know I'm hiding something. They'll be mad. Maybe it's not a video of Logan being raped… Maybe Logan's okay… "Oh, to hell with it." I nearly run over to the TV, turning it on and popping in the DVD. I need to see if he's alright. I need to know if he's still alive.

The video starts the same, with Logan lying on the bed before his kidnapper walks in. This time, though, Logan doesn't cry, though he begins shaking. He watches his kidnapper with wide eyes, and before the man can even say anything, Logan is shouting.

"Stay away from me! Go away!" The man ignores him, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I hate you! Get away from me!" Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I watching this? The man slaps Logan harshly across the face, and I cringe while Logan whimpers in pain. My raven-haired boyfriend then turns his head away, and in the dim light I can see the red mark on his face. Anger boils within me, and my hands curl into fists. How _dare_ he hit Logan? The man is still wearing a hoodie, I notice, but a green one this time. He stands and moves to the foot of the bed, running a hand down my lover's naked body.

"Why won't you love me, Logan?" he mutters, frowning. "I treat you so good. I feed you, give you potty brakes. I give you company." Logan shudders as his kidnapper pinches one of his nipples, and then he lets himself cry. Hoodie watches his victim for another moment before slowly removing his pants and boxers, and I look away, unable to watch the rest. I know what's going to happen know. I know Logan's going to start screaming any moment now. Eyes red and wet with tears, I stand up and quickly eject the DVD, flinging it across the room. It hits the wall and breaks, pieces flying everywhere. The noise it makes seems a thousand times louder in the silence, and I glance at the door, hoping no one heard that. But, since I seem to be extremely unlucky, of course Kendall and Carlos heard it. I hear their footsteps as they run up the stairs, and then the door is flung open.

"James? What happened?" Carlos asks, hurrying over to me as he takes in my expression. "What was that noise?" I don't answer, instead wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Carlos…look…" Kendall mutters, and I look over my friend's shoulder, following Kendall's gaze. He's staring at the pink envelope on the floor. I pull away from Carlos, eyes wide.

"Kendall! That's nothing! I, um…"

"What was in this envelope?" Kendall asks, looking me in the eyes. I sigh, pointing to the pieces of DVD lying on the floor. Carlos gasps as he takes in the scene, and I look down at my feet, feeling horrible. Why the hell did I keep this a secret?

"It's video number two," I say quietly. I then head over to my closet, moving the shoe boxes to find the envelope I'd hidden there days ago. "This is video number one."

"Why didn't you tell us, James?" Kendall says angrily, walking forward and snatching the envelope from my hand. "How long have you had this? This could help us find Logan!" I ignore his questions.

"Just watch it," I say, and Kendall frowns before grabbing my arm, pulling me downstairs to the living room, Carlos following behind.

"Fine, we'll watch it, but you've got a lot of explaining to do."


	9. Chapter 9

**So, my writer's block is finally gone! Yay! Hopefully this chapter turned out okay. **

I begin pacing as Kendall places the DVD into the DVD player, unable to sit down or keep still. They're going to hate me for keeping this from them. I should have told them right away.

"James, would you please settle down?" Kendall says, annoyed, and I bite my lip. I can't do this. I can't watch this again. "James!"

"I'll be right back," I mutter, and then sprint for the stairs, hoping I can get past them. Of course, they must have been expecting this, because they move to block my way almost immediately. "I'll come down right back down, guys, I swear!" I stare at them wide-eyed, silently pleading with them to let me through.

"What do you need to go up there for?" Carlos asks, and I start bouncing on my heels in irritation.

"I need to get something," I reply simply, trying to push past them. "I can't watch this without something."

"Without what?" Kendall asks, eyes narrowing slightly. I let out a frustrated sigh, tears coming to my eyes once again.

"Please, just let me through." I whine desperately. "I need...I need something..." And then I fall to my knees, letting the sorrow wash over me. "I can't watch this again! Please don't make me watch it! I need something of his. I need to hold a part of him." Carlos kneels down next to me, concerned.

"Okay, okay, go get whatever you need," he says gently, and Kendall pulls me to my feet. I sigh in relief and sprint up the stairs into my bedroom. My eyes scan the room, looking for something I can wrap myself in, something I can use to comfort myself when things get even worse. I don't want to see Kendall's and Carlos's reactions. I don't want to see the pain in their eyes, the way their shoulders drop in defeat. My eyes finally rest on one of his shirts, lying crumpled on the floor. It'll have to do. I grip it tightly in my hands, bringing it close to my chest as I make my way back downstairs. I just hope this is enough.

"Alright, I'm back," I mutter, though Kendall and Carlos are waiting at the foot of the stairs, making my declaration un-needed.

"Are you okay?" Carlos asks softly, and I nod, forcing a small smile.

"I'm fine," I reply. "For now…" Kendall frowns, glancing back at the TV.

"Is it really that bad?" he asks, and my stomach twists into a knot. I don't answer, silently moving past them and to the couch. I collapse onto the cushions, burying my face in Logan's shirt.

"Just watch it," I repeat, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. The cushions sink down as both Kendall and Carlos join me on the couch, and I glance at each of them before shutting my eyes once again. After a few seconds, Carlos gasps, and I know the video has started. I've only seen the video once, and yet I have the images memorized. The pictures play before my eyelids like a movie, and I squeeze my eyes shut even tighter in an attempt to banish the memories. The image of Logan lying on that bed, that nasty bruise on his cheekbone, is imprinted on my brain.

"_Hello there, Logan. No need to cry, now."_

I can picture that horrible man's dark blue hoodie, the way his back is facing the camera as he torments my poor Logan. I feel someone shudder next to me, but I can't tell if it's Kendall or Carlos. I lean against them, silently begging the images to leave my mind. I don't want to remember. I don't want to hear the way Logan cries, helpless.

"_Don't touch me."_

The man's smirk burns beneath my eyelids, and I let out a quiet whimper, trembling. I can't take this, not again. An arm wraps around my shoulders, holding me close, and I force my eyes open to watch the screen. Keeping my eyes closed isn't helping at all. It's just making things worse. I glance up to discover that the arm around my shoulders belongs to Carlos, and burry my head into his side, letting the tears fall.

"_You'd better get used to it. Does this hurt?"_

I can feel Carlos trembling, and his arm tightens around my shoulders. I want to tell him that everything's alright, that it doesn't get any worse than this, but I can't lie, can't say anything. That terrified look in Logan's eyes…

"_Yeah. That's where my face hit the hood of the car."_

"That bastard," Kendall mutters from Carlos's other side, and I glance at the video playing on the TV. I regret it as soon as I do, because once my gaze meets the screen, I can't turn away. Logan just looks so helpless, so scared, and I can't turn away from him. He needs me.

"_It never would have happened if you'd just listened to me."_

Something smashes a few feet away, and Kendall lets out a frustrated shriek. He begins spewing a stream of curse words. I don't even look over at him to see what he broke.

"_And let you kidnap me? And I told you not to touch me!"_

"That's my Logan!" Kendall says softly, and I hear Carlos let out a shaky breath. "He doesn't have to take any crap from that asshole!" I just shake my head, vision becoming blurred by my tears. They don't know how this ends, but I do. Logan may be acting brave now, but pretty soon he'll be screaming, and Kendall will no longer be cheering.

"_Getting an attitude now, are we. I like touching you."_

Carlos shudders again, letting out a soft whimper.

"That sick bastard," Kendall mutters, and I let out a broken sob.

"Shhh, it's okay, buddy," Carlos says gently, and I push away from him, clutching Logan's shirt tightly, breathing in his scent. It doesn't help.

"_Why are you doing this? What do you want?"_

"_I want you. You will finally be mine."_

Carlos cries out, and I can see the tears beginning to fall from the corner of my eye. Kendall places a hand on his shoulder, but I can tell that he, too, is trembling. I want to pull him into a hug and comfort him, but all I can do is stare at the screen, my stomach churning.

"_I already have a boyfriend."_

"_You won't ever see James again."_

"_Please stop."_

"Oh god, he's…" Carlos mutters. "He can't!" Kendall wraps him in a hug. "No! He can't do this, not to Logan!" Both of my friends are crying now, and I lean against Carlos again, needing some sort of support for what's about to happen.

"_Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you. Much."_

"_Don't! No!"_

"No!" Carlos screams once again, sobbing. "Please no!"

"Carlos-"

"He's raping him, Kendall! I can't…I can't watch anymore."

"_So beautiful."_

"_No! Stop! Please don't…"_

"_I've waited so long to do this…"_

"_No!"_

Logan's scream hits me like a ton of bricks, and I cry out in agony as his screams continue, ripping me apart, breaking me. Carlos breaks down, his sobs mixed with whimpers, and something else smashes. I can't do anything but watch, frozen.

"_No, no, no…"_

"Turn it off, Kendall! Turn it off!" Carlos sobs, and Kendall quickly does just that, hopping off the couch and ejecting the DVD. He drops it to the floor before turning to me, horrified, tears continuing to run down his cheeks.

"Why didn't you tell us, James?" he asks quietly, and I look up at him, meeting his eyes.

"You saw the video, Kendall," I say simply. "I didn't want you to know. I didn't want to see you upset."

"But this is- James, do you even realize how _important _this is?" Kendall shrieks, and I just stare at him. "We need to show this to the police and-"

"The police can't do anything with the video," I say harshly, cutting him off. I stand up and pick up the DVD, flinging it in front of his face. "What can they do with this, Kendall? Huh? It's just a fucking DVD!" I throw the DVD onto the couch, and Carlos cringes away from it. "All it tells us is that Logan is being raped!" Kendall looks surprised by my outburst, taking a step back, eyes pained.

"But maybe-"

"Maybe what, Kendall? You can't see the guy's face, you don't know his location. He could be all the way in fucking New York by now." I say, eyes flashing. "Everything isn't going to be okay. We're never going to see Logan again, so stop saying he's fine. He's clearly _not _fine, Kendall."

"James…?" Carlos whimpers from the couch, and I whirl around to face him. As soon as I see him, my anger fades away, and I'm falling onto the couch next to him, wrapping him in a hug. I let him sob into my shirt, letting my own tears continue to fall. "James, he… Logan…"

"I know," I whisper. "I didn't want you to see that, Carlitos." He shakes his head slightly.

"No, I wanted to see it," he mutters, voice muffled. "It's good that I know. I just…I didn't think…" I pull him closer, reaching behind me for Logan's shirt. Silently, I hand it to him, and he glances up at me, confused.

"Just take it," I say gently. "It might help."

"How is this going to help- _Oh_," he mutters as the scent reaches his nose. "Oh James, it smells just like him…"

"I'm still calling the police," Kendall speaks up, taking out his phone. "I don't care what you say. They might be able to use it. What if there's finger prints on it?" I don't say anything, letting him dial the number. I seriously doubt that the kidnapper left fingerprints. If he's smart enough to have kidnapped Logan, hidden our car where no one will find it, and leave pink envelopes in my bedroom when no one's home, then I'm sure he's smart enough to not leave any prints. And then it hits me.

"Kendall, the kidnapper left that DVD in my room when no one was home," I say, gently pulling away from Carlos. "Maybe the police can catch him the next time."

"We could set him up," Kendall adds, smiling ever so slightly. He quickly finishes dialing the number, and I turn back to Carlos.

"We're going to catch him, Carlos!" I say softly, my tears stopping. "Why didn't I show this to you guys before? Oh my god, all this time Logan's been suffering because of me!" And then I start to cry once again, the guilt taking me over.

**Sorry for yet another cliffhanger; I just can't help myself. But don't worry, there's lots in store for the boys. I've got a bunch of things planned, so don't expect the story to end anytime soon. :P**


	10. Chapter 10

**I am so so so sorry for not updating in like, a week! I know I left you at a bit of a cliffhanger. I've been writing so much lately, and I just needed a bit of a break. And then when I was finally going to write this next chapter, my writer's block came back. :( But, I'm pushing through it, so hopefully this chapter is okay. I feel like I'm repeating myself with all of James's emotions… Review and let me know what you think!**

"I don't understand. How could he not be on the surveillance footage?" I ask, practically shouting.

"Look, I don't know how this kidnapper is getting into your apartment, but it's not through the front door," the police officer replies, and I sit down on the couch, burying my face in my hands. I can't believe this. We were _so_ close to catching that horrible guy, and now we're back to where we started.

"Is it safe to stay here?" Ms. Knight speaks up, eyes still red from her tears. Her and Katie had gotten home a few minutes after Kendall called the police, and after seeing Carlos sobbing on the couch, she had demanded to know what happened. We didn't show her the video; we couldn't, but Kendall was quick to explain. We had sent Katie to her room so she didn't hear, but she must have been eavesdropping, because she had locked herself in her room and won't come out.

"That's your decision," the officer says. "The kidnapper doesn't seem to be interested in hurting any of you, and he only leaves the envelopes when there's no one home. But if you'd feel safer somewhere else, we can arrange something." Ms. Knight sighs, closing her eyes tightly for a moment.

"We might as well stay," she says softly, looking defeated. "We just have to make sure someone's home at all times, and that no one's home alone."

"It's alright, mom," Kendall says gently, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "We'll be okay. We're going to catch this guy." I roll my eyes, glancing at Carlos, who's sitting on the other side of the couch, staring at his hands. He's been like that ever since the police arrived, and though he's no longer crying, the helpless look in his eyes is so much worse.

"Well, there's not much more we can do here," the officer says. "Make sure to inform us if you receive another envelope, or if you see someone suspicious."

"Thank you," Kendall says as his mom starts to cry softly once again. Nodding, the officer heads to the door, leaving without another word. I watch him go, all hope I had of finding Logan disappearing. No one moves for a moment, and then Kendall gently leads his mom to her room, whispering soothing things into her ear. I look over at Carlos again, heart thumping painfully.

"Carlos?" I call quietly, scooting closer to him. "You okay, buddy?" Carlos doesn't respond. He doesn't even glance at me. "Carlos." I gently shake his shoulder, but he still doesn't show any signs of hearing me. "Come on, Carlitos, don't shut me out. I can't go through this alone." When he still doesn't acknowledge me, I stand up, blinking against the burning sensation in my eyes. This is exactly why I didn't want Kendall and Carlos to see the video. I knew it would upset them, and seeing Carlos like this makes me feel so alone, because if he can't be strong, what's the point of me being strong? And Ms. Knight... She can barely look at me now. I have no idea when, or _if_, Katie will come out of her room. Kendall is the only one still staying optimistic, but I can tell it's weighing him down. He'll break sooner or later.

Kendall comes back into the room, and I look away, heading into the kitchen. He doesn't follow me, and I sigh in relief, sitting down at the table and resting my head in my hands. How the hell is that guy getting into our apartment? And what is the purpose of those videos? Frustrated, I bring my fist down on the table, ignoring the pain that shoots up my arm.

"James?" Kendall calls from the living room, and I bring down my other fist, closing my eyes. "James, are you alright?" I hear him enter the kitchen, and look up at him, not even bothering to fake a smile like I've been doing lately. He frowns slightly, hurrying forward to rest a hand on my shoulder for comfort. "I know you're disappointed, but-"

"Don't," I interrupt. "Just don't." I shrug off his hand and stand up, turning away to pretend to look through the refrigerator.

"James-"

"Just stop it, Kendall!" I snap, turning to face him. "Nothing you say or do is going to help me feel better, okay? If you want to pester someone, why don't you go talk to Carlos?" I blink away tears, taking a deep breath. I won't cry, I won't cry, I won't cry...

"Carlos hasn't said a word since the police got here," Kendall says bitterly. "But I suppose you've been too occupied with your moping to realize."

"Actually, Kendall, I noticed," I say, voice rising an octave. "This is why I kept that video a secret! I _knew_ it would upset you guys."

"Oh, and so you were just going to let us think he was okay? You were just going to suffer through this alone?"

"Yes!" I practically shout. "Because then you guys wouldn't have to feel this pain!" My voice lowers to a whisper. "I didn't want you guys to suffer like I am. And...I was scared. I didn't know what to do..." Kendall steps forward to wrap me in a hug, and I push him away, looking down at my feet.

"James?"

"I was serious when I said nothing you do will make me feel better," I mutter. "So don't try." I push past him, hurrying up the stairs to my room. Slamming the door behind me, I reach over and grab the closest thing to me, which happens to be the lamp. Biting my lip, I throw it across the room, stepping forward to pick up several shirts off the floor. I throw those, too, and pretty soon I'm ransacking the room, tearing the blankets and sheets off the beds, knocking things off of the dresser. When I've finally calmed down, collapsing to my knees, the room is a complete mess. The lamp is broken, lying in a corner. Clothes, blankets, pillows, and pretty much everything else is scattered over the floor. I tremble, looking around at my mess. It truly looks like a tornado hit the place, and regret washes over me. Now I'm going to have to clean all this up...

Sighing, I push myself to my feet, frowning. I take a few steps forward, and something crunches under my feet. Glancing down, my heart nearly stops, and I fall to my knees once again, picking up the broken picture frame. I brush away the shards of glass, gently taking the picture and dropping the ruined frame to the floor. It's a picture of Logan and I on our one-year anniversary, and I'm kissing his cheek. I smile slightly as I look at it. It's my favorite picture of us. Logan is laughing in the picture, his cheeks a light pink as he blushes.

The tears I've been holding back begin to fall, and I bring the picture close to my chest, holding it near my heart as grief overtakes me. I know I can't keep doing this, can't keep breaking down like this, but I don't know what else to do. No matter what I do or how I act, the pain just keeps coming back. I feel so _trapped_, like I'm running in circles. Just as I begin to think that I'll be okay, everything comes crashing down again, and I remember just how much I can't live without him. I didn't just lose a lover; I lost my best friend. I told Logan _everything_, and he was always there to comfort me. But now he's gone, and I feel so lost. Kendall and Carlos have tried to comfort me, but neither of them can replace Logan. Neither of them can help me through this. I'm just broken beyond repair.

My eyes scan the room once again, and I hang my head in defeat. I don't know what to do anymore. Searching for Logan would be stupid, seeing as I have no idea where he is, or the slightest idea who his kidnapper is. And even if I did go looking for him, I would go crazy every time I saw a guy wearing a hoodie, every time I caught a glimpse of raven-colored hair. I'm just not in the right state of mind to try and locate him. There's a soft knock on the door, but I don't even look up, knowing it's probably Kendall. I can't talk to anyone right now, especially not him.

"James?" The door slowly opens, and I hold back a sob, glancing up with tear-filled eyes. I don't see anyone at first, but then my eyes travel down and I gasp as I see Katie. Her hair is a mess, her eyes are red and puffy, and she's shaking slightly. Before I can even say anything, she's inside the room, running to me and latching onto my neck. When she still doesn't say anything else, I slowly wrap my arms around her, careful not to bend the picture I still hold in my hand. I let her cry into my shirt, trying to blink back my own tears.

"Katie?" I say softly, and she pulls back slightly to look at me.

"Oh, I'm sorry, James," she whispers. "I'm getting your shirt all wet…" I shake my head, gently rubbing her back.

"I don't care about the shirt," I say, wiping at my eyes. "What are you doing here? You locked yourself in your room and…" Katie buries her face in my shirt once again, trembling.

"I overheard you guys and mom talking," she mutters, her voice muffled. "And I heard about Logan…"

"Katie, we told you to go to your room," I say gently. "We didn't want you to hear that."

"I'm old enough to know," she says defiantly. "I know what rape is, James." My body tenses at the word, and I have to take several deep breaths so I won't burst into tears once again. "I came to you because you're the only one that would really understand." I frown slightly, lifting her chin to look her in the eyes.

"What do you mean?" I ask, eyebrows furrowing. "What about Kendall and-" She cuts me off.

"They just don't get it," she says quietly. "Kendall acts all tough, and Carlos is too comforting. You're the only one that understands that you just need to cry sometimes, James. You and me, we cry a lot, but Kendall and Carlos keep it all in."

"I don't think crying a lot is a good thing," I mutter, wiping away her tears with my thumb. "It just makes you seem weak and childish."

"No," Katie argues, shaking her head. "Crying means you've accepted what's happening, even though you're hurting. Before you showed them that video, neither Kendall nor Carlos had cried since finding out Logan was kidnapped. And they're not crying now because they don't want to believe what they saw."

"Katie, you are remarkably bright for your age," I say softly, tightening my arms around her. She smiles slightly, resting her head on my shoulder.

"I know," she says simply. "But it really is okay to cry, James. Sometimes you need to, just to relieve some of the pain." I pull away from her gently, standing up.

"You're right. I feel better now. Thank you so much, Katie." I bend down and kiss her forehead, and she nods, standing up herself. "I think your mom could use some of your wisdom. She's been pretty upset since we told her about the videos."

"Yeah…" she mutters, looking around the room. "What happened here?" I blush slightly, rubbing the back of my neck, a habit I picked up from Logan.

"I, uh, kind of lost it and ransacked the room," I reply, and she blinks, eyes still roaming the room.

"You realize you're going to have to clean this all up, right?"

"I know," I sigh. "Hey, maybe you could-" But she's already gone, and I frown before heading down to the kitchen to get a garbage bag. Carlos is still sitting in that same spot on the couch, staring at his hands, and Kendall is sitting next to him, glancing over at him every few seconds. Neither of them even acknowledge my presence, and even though I know I deserve it, it still kind of hurts. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be, but nothing is ever going to be the same again.

"Come on, Carlos, say something," Kendall mutters, and I slowly make my way to the living room, garbage bag in hand. "Logan's going to be okay, you'll see."

"I'm sorry," I mutter, and Kendall glances at me before looking back at Carlos.

"Please, buddy, just say something," Kendall whispers, and we both frown when Carlos still doesn't respond. Katie's words echo in my head, and I move to stand before them, bending to look Carlos in the eyes.

"It's okay to cry, Carlos," I say softly. "It's okay to feel upset. We're here for you, man."

"James, it's no use-"

"Come on, Carlos. Would Logan want you to just give up? You need to keep going," I whisper, and I know I hit a nerve, because he suddenly comes back to life, tears starting to fall.

"We're not going to find Logan!" he sobs. "What's the point in trying if we're just going to fail?" I take a step back as Kendall wraps his arms around our distraught friend. I swallow back the sudden tight feeling in my throat. "Logan's gone!"

"You're wrong, Carlos," Kendall says quietly. "We'll find him. I promise."

"You shouldn't make promises you can't keep," Carlos mutters, and I know I need to do something to calm him down. Seeing Carlos like this is too much at the moment, when I'm still so fragile from earlier. I grab his chin, forcing him to look me in the eyes.

"No matter what happens," I say calmly, my throat tight. "We _will_ find him. I don't care how long it takes, or what I have to do, but I'll bring him back." Carlos sniffles, looking up at me with hope in his eyes.

"R-really?" he whispers. I nod, hoping I look more confident than I feel. "Promise?"

"I promise," I reply, forcing a small smile. "Logan will be home before you know it." He seems to believe my words, for he wipes his eyes and nods his head. Kendall looks up at me gratefully, but I just stare down at my feet, knowing I just made a promise I can't possibly keep. I'm such a horrible person…

**And, there you go! It's not so bad, is it? I think it actually turned out pretty good, despite this stupid writer's block of mine… **


	11. Chapter 11

**So, I haven't updated in a while… But, I've been stuck on this chapter for such a long time. Writer's block sucks, doesn't it? And, school's started up once again, and I just haven't been able to find time to work on this chapter until now. But here it is! Not sure how good this chapter turned out, but I think it's okay. At least, I hope it is.**

**Logan's POV**

The blinking red light of the camera in the corner of the room is driving me crazy. My heart is nearly jumping out of my chest, my head hurts, I still feel like I'm going to throw up, and that _stupid_ red light won't stop. It just keeps blinking in my peripheral vision, reminding me that every little thing I do is caught on video. Every scream, every tear, every word. All of it is there for my kidnapper to play back and watch, as if raping me nearly every night isn't enough for him. _No_, he has to have it all saved on that camera, that _fucking_ camera that won't stop _blinking_.

I need to get out of here before I go completely insane. I've been left to my thoughts for much too long, and I'm exhausted. I'm too terrified to go to sleep. The first time I let myself drift off I woke to that man stroking my hair, and who knows what else he did to me while I was unconscious? But the flashbacks, the "what ifs," the memories are draining me. I just want to go home and curl up next to James with his arms around me and lie there forever. I want to get away from that red light and the rape and the boredom, the constant fear.

"Help me!" I scream, even though I know it's useless. I know nobody can hear me except for the man who took me here in the first place, but I just can't take it anymore. "_Somebody!_ Let me out of here! _Let me out!_" And then I just scream, over and over again, and I don't care if I'm losing my mind. All I want is to be out of this place, away from that man, away from that _blinking red light_. The door flies open, and I turn my head to glare at my kidnapper as he comes closer. He's hesitant to get too close, even though I'm tied up and there's no way I could hurt him.

"Logan?" he asks quietly, and I pull at my restraints as hard as I can, angry tears welling in my eyes. I need to get out of here. I need to get away. "Logan...? Logan!"

"_What?_" I scream, my eyes narrowing. "What the _hell_ could you possibly want? Huh? You already have me tied to this fucking bed! _Let me out of here!_" I squeeze my eyes shut and scream until my throat feels raw, my voice cracking as it cuts off, and I fall silent. I can feel my kidnapper staring at me, can feel his presence only a few feet away. He doesn't say anything, and I can't help but quiver in fear as the tears increase, changing from angry to desperate. Is he mad at me? Is he going to hurt me? Or touch me again?

"It's, uh, time for your bathroom break," he says simply, and I slowly open my eyes, defeat making the tears flow faster. I can scream and cry and pull at my restraints as much as I want, but I'll still be stuck here. I'm not strong enough to get out of here on my own. When I don't respond, the man cautiously reaches for the ties around my wrists, his eyes glancing between me and the restraints. It's very possible he's afraid I'll start screaming again, and if my voice wasn't gone, I'd probably do just that. But all I can do is cry as he begins untying my right wrist from the bedpost, my body tensing up as I prepare to fight him. Every time he unties me for a bathroom break, I fight against his arms as he leads me to the bathroom, and every time I fail miserably to escape. I don't even know why I keep trying. Every time I fail to get away, it just hurts that much more to get tied up again.

As soon as the ties around my wrist loosen, I'm using all my strength to pull my arm free. Caught off guard, all my kidnapper can do is stare in shock as my fist connects with his jaw. He stumbles backwards, falling to the floor with a thud as he trips over something. Almost immediately I'm pulling at the rest of my restraints, heart racing as I wait for him to get up and come at me. But he doesn't get up, and in less than a minute I'm free of my restraints. Cautiously, I peer over the side of the bed, my eyes widening when I see him stir, his forehead bleeding profusely from a cut in his flesh. He must have hit his head on something when he fell. The large amount of blood doesn't concern me. Head wounds bleed a lot. Before he can get back up, I'm hopping off the bed, vaguely aware of the fact that I'm wearing only a shirt, my pants and boxers nowhere to be found. I sprint for the door, stopping in my tracks when I catch a glimpse of a phone on a table in the corner. My phone. Heart pounding, I hurry towards it, snatching it up before sprinting once again for the door. It's open just a crack, and I fling it open, eyes darting from side to side as I quickly take in my surroundings. I'm in a rather long hallway, leading to the left and right. A flight of stairs is just barely visible far to my right. Before I can really think about it, I'm slamming shut the door I just exited, thanking God that it locks from the outside. Hope swells in my chest. I've actually managed to get away from him, and now he's locked in the bedroom. The next thing I do is turn on my cellphone, instantly dialing the number I know by heart, hoping he'll answer. But of course he'll answer; he always does. It rings once, twice, three times, and I frown, my stomach sinking. Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up-

"_Logan?_"

"James!" I nearly shriek, letting out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. "Oh, thank God. I'm so scared, James. I have no idea where I am, but I got away. I locked him in a bedroom."

"L-Logan," James says softly. "Are you alright? J-just stay calm and get somewhere safe." Biting my lip, I glance at the locked door before heading towards the stairs. A loud bang is heard, the door rattling as my kidnapper tries to break free.

"He's trying to get out. I- James, I'm terrified. What if he gets out?" I'm sobbing now, panic creeping into my chest. "What if he catches me? I can't stay here any longer. I miss you so much, and he's- He's hurting me, James."

"I-I know," James replies, his voice shaky. "He's been sending me videos." My whole body goes cold, and I pause at the top of the stairs. "I'm s-so sorry Logan, but it's going to be okay. I'm here. I'm _always_ here. You c-can do this."

"He, he sent you videos?" I breathe, and suddenly the video camera makes so much more sense. My kidnapper's been recording me being raped to show to James. But...why?

"Yeah, but that doesn't matter right now. Just get out of there." But I can't seem to move. James knows what's going on, and if he knows then Kendall and Carlos probably know as well. They all know I've been...raped. What will they think when they see me? How are they going to treat me? I don't think I could stand seeing pity in their eyes, or sympathy or sorrow. Will I even be able to face them?

With a loud bang, the bedroom door flies open, and I whip around to face my kidnapper as his eyes rest on me. Almost instantly he's running for me, blood trickling down his neck from the wound on his forehead. My breath catches in my throat, and without thinking I take a step back. I scream as I feel myself falling backwards, my foot landing on the edge of the first step at a funny angle. My ankle twists painfully, and I throw my arms out, clawing desperately at the walls, but it's no use. I twist myself around as a fall, throwing my arms out in front of me to brace myself for impact. I land on the steps hard, the phone flying from one hand as the other bends under me. There's a loud snap and pain shoots up my arm. I cry out, curling in on myself as I fall the rest of the way. My ankle is twisting and my wrist is definitely broken, but other than that I'm okay. I hold my wrist close to my chest, letting out a shaky breath. It feels numb now, a sure sign that it's not just a sprain. Carefully, I feel around my wrist. It's a clean break, thankfully. The same cannot be said for my phone. It's laying only a few feet away, broken, pieces spread out across the floor.

Fear overtakes me as I focus my attention on my kidnapper as he walks down the stairs. He's angry, his eyes narrowed, his breath coming out in furious pants. And James isn't here to save me. His words echo in my head. '_I'm here. I'm _always _here'_ But he's not here. He doesn't know where I am. My phone is broken, and now I'll never be able to hear his voice again. My kidnapper is going to kill me, and James's voice isn't in my ear, telling me it's going to be okay. He's not here to comfort me.

"Get up," my kidnapper says as he reaches me, and I gaze up at him, quivering.

"I-I'm sorry," I whisper, and it's all I can think of to say. However, this just seems to make him even angrier.

"Get. Up," he repeats, preceding to roughly grab my arm and pull me to my feet. I wince as pain shoots up my arm, my wrist dangling. My ankle protests as I rest my weight on it, but the pain is bearable compared to the sharp pain that surrounds my broken bone. "Up the stairs." I take in a shaky breath before stepping forward, trying not to completely break down. I can't believe I messed up this badly. I was _so close_ to getting away. If only I hadn't stopped at the top of the stairs. Maybe if I'd just kept going I could have gotten away. And James... He's probably worried out of his mind.

As I reach the top of the stairs, my kidnapper right behind me, I force myself to glance back at him. He meets my eyes, the normal bright blue of his irises now a dark indigo, and I can't tell if the change in color is because of the poor lighting or his anger. I sniffle a bit, my throat tight. I want to scream, but I can't seem to find my voice.

"Keep walking," he snarls, pushing me forward, and I practically run to the door I escaped from just minutes before. I briefly consider trying to lock him out of the room somehow, but he's already so furious with me, and I don't want to take my chances. He pushes me into the room, and I hurry to the far corner, sinking down to my knees, my broken wrist held close to my chest. I stare up at him, my eyes wide and pleading. He's going to kill me now; I just know it. He's going to kill me and I'm all alone and my wrist hurts, and James, Kendall, and Carlos are going to be so upset. But when he lunges towards me, there's no weapon in his hand, and all he does is grab my shirt, tugging it over my head. I try desperately to sink into the ground, my body tensing up as I wait for him to start touching me. His arms wrap around me, and he hoists me over his shoulder, something James often does, but this man is nothing like James. His grip is much too tight, his fingers digging into my hips. I bite my lip, letting my body go limp. There's no sense in fighting him.

He heads for the rather large bathroom that connects to the bedroom. Inside is a toilet, sink, shower, and a single window, it's curtain blocking the view outside. I haven't had a chance to pull back the curtain and look at my surroundings. My kidnapper is always in here with me during my bathroom breaks, and he won't let me go anywhere near it. I'm literally thrown into the shower, landing hard on my butt. My tailbone throbs with pain, and I can tell there will be a bruise there tomorrow. I refrain from making any noise, watching as he quickly sheds his clothes and steps into the shower with me. In one quick motion he turns on the water, and the scorching liquid hits me full on. I whimper softly, the water much too hot. It burns as it runs down my body. My kidnapper seems unfazed, silently staring down at me.

"It's hot," I manage to choke out, but he just keeps staring at me, and I'm surprised I'm not having a panic attack by now. My heart is beating wildly in my chest, and I'm sure he must be able to hear it.

"Yeah?" he replies, voice cold. "Too bad." He lifts me up, pinning me against the wall. "You're such a naughty boy, Logan. You actually tried to _run away_."

"I'm sorry," I say again, and he just laughs, a small smile playing at his lips.

"You're not sorry, and I don't like when people lie to me." I don't know what else to say, and so I just look away, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. "You'd better hope to God that call wasn't being traced." He flips me around, my wrist stuck between the wall and my body. I cry out in pain and pull it free, fresh tears cascading down my cheeks. "And your wrist. You fucking broke your wrist! I have half a mind to tie it back up to the bedpost anyway." I tremble, crying out once again as he shoves into me from behind, my hands turning into fists as I try not to scream. He slides out again almost immediately, slamming back in, and I let out a choked sob, soft whimpers falling past my lips as he continues to rape me once again. It's uncomfortable, and it _hurts_, and I'm fairly certain I'll never enjoy sex again.

"Stop, stop, _stop!_" I scream, trying to squirm away, but his grip on my hips is too strong. I'm stuck in that spot.

"You don't even fucking appreciate everything that I do for you! You had your phone, and who did you call? James. He's all you can think about. You could have called the police, but _no_, you had to fucking call _him!_" He accentuates the last word with a hard smack to my ass, and I wince, sucking in a sharp breath. I just want it to stop. It needs to stop.

"Yeah? Well I'm sorry for not appreciating you raping me nearly every night! I'm sorry for not appreciating being tied to that goddamn bed and being told when I can go to the bathroom and not being able to see my boyfriend!" I scream, blinking away both my tears and the water from the shower head, trying to clear my vision. "I'm sorry you're so fucking messed up! I'm sorry I don't love you. No, no _wait_, I'm _not_ sorry. I _hate_ you." His grip tightens on my hips, and then I'm being thrown out of the shower, landing on my back in front of the sink. My head hits the floor, and I blink away the black dots that dance before my eyes.

"James doesn't love you, Logan," my kidnapper says, standing over me. "I'll prove it to you. Just wait." And then he's gone, slamming and locking the door behind him. I curl in on myself, trying to calm down. I'm relatively okay. At least I'm alive, and I'm no longer tied up. And there's no video camera with a blinking red light recording every little thing that I do. Hopefully James won't be getting anymore videos.

Once I feel I'm calmed down enough, I slowly sit up. My ass hurts, my wrist hurts, and my head hurts, but my heart aches even more. I'm so lonely and homesick. I don't even know how far away home IS. Remembering he window, I push myself to my feet, stumbling towards the window and ripping open the curtain. I'm high up, possibly on a second or third story, and there's trees everywhere. I'm in a house, in the middle of the woods, in what seems like the middle of nowhere. We may not even be in California anymore, and if we are, it's much further North than LA. As I look closer, I notice a small drop-off a few yards away, and the land around the house is littered with small hills. We're not...in the mountains, are we? A small bird flies past, and I watch it go, jealousy creeping into my heart. If only I could fly away from here, and be free. I sink to my knees once again, my legs shaking too hard to stand. I can't stay here. _I can't_.

**So, that wasn't too bad, was it? But, god, I'm just horrible to Logan, aren't I? Curse this FCMD of mine!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Still suffering from my awful writer's block, but I'm just going to force myself to write this, and hopefully in the end it will turn out okay. Fingers crossed.**

**James's POV**

For the longest time, all I can do is stare at my phone as my blood runs cold. My eyes sting with unshed tears, my entire body shaking. I can't seem to get enough air. Logan called. _Logan._ And then he screamed, and everything went silent. What if he's…dead? Or hurt? I just feel so _helpless_. I have no idea what happened to him. With a heavy sigh, I sit down at the edge of my bed, having literally fallen out of bed the second I saw the call was from Logan. And I almost didn't answer my phone. What if I hadn't? What would Logan have done, all alone and scared? My body aches with uncontrollable sadness, panic creeping into my chest. He screamed. He _screamed._

"Oh, god…" I whisper, tugging at my hair, my phone resting heavily in my lap. Maybe he just ended the call because he needed to get away. Maybe he's okay, and not hurt, and he'll call me again once he's safe. But I can feel in my heart that he's not okay. The way he screamed, and the thump I heard before everything cut off, it was more than just him hanging up. I close my eyes shut tightly, trying hard not to start hyperventilating. I should have told him just how much I love him, and miss him. I should have said so much more than just "I'm here. I'm _always_ here." I'm _not_ there for him. I have no idea where he is.

It occurs to me suddenly that Kendall and Carlos would probably like to hear this new piece of information. After what happened last time I kept a secret from them, I decide it's better to tell them right away. It doesn't matter that it's only five in the morning, or that I'm a shaky mess at the moment. They need to know, and I need someone, _anyone_, to tell me that everything's going to be okay. Just this once, I need them to trick me into thinking Logan will be alright. I need them to tell me he's okay, or I just might go insane.

I can't seem to move fast enough, my legs tangling as I jump to my feet. With a dull thud, I fall to the floor face-first, groaning at the pain that explodes on my jaw bone. I push myself up quickly, stumbling out my bedroom door. I make my way easily down the hallway, bursting into Kendall and Carlos's room without even bothering to knock. They won't mind when I tell them the reason for my rudeness, anyway. I freeze at the foot of Carlos's bed, realizing that Kendall is not in his bed. Instead, he's lying beside Carlos, his arms wrapped loosely around his torso. I just stand there and stare at them for a moment before shaking my head to clear my thoughts. I'm sure it's nothing. Kendall was probably just comforting Carlos last night after we went to bed, and he must have fallen asleep while doing so. I mean, it's not like they have a _thing_ for each other…right? _No._ I shake my head again, frowning at myself for even thinking something so ridiculous.

"You guys, wake up, _wake up!_" I blurt out, my phone held tightly in my right hand. I shake them for good measure, probably using a bit more force than necessary in my haste to get them to wake up. Kendall stirs first, his eyes slowly fluttering open as he lets out a soft yawn. He blinks up at me, silent for a moment, and then he looks to his right and sees Carlos, and his cheeks flush a bright red. He quickly scoots away, averting his eyes.

"I was just…um…" he mumbles, and I roll my eyes.

"I know what you were doing," I tell him, and he looks surprised, his cheeks seeming to get even redder. "Why are you looking at me like that? So what if you were comforting Carlos last night? I know he was really upset."

"I-"

"Logan called me," I blurt out, my heart pounding, and Kendall blinks in surprise, and then looks confused.

"What?" he asks, just as Carlos begins to stir. "Because it sounded like you said-"

"You heard me," I say, cutting him off. "Logan called, and he was so scared, Kendall. All I know is that he had managed to lock his kidnapper in a bedroom, and then he was trying to get away and there was a loud bang and he screamed, and then everything went silent." My throat feels tight, and I choke on the last word, my eyes watering. Kendall just stares for a moment, unsure of what to say. Carlos, however, had heard everything as he was awaking, and his eyes go wide, his breath catching in his throat.

"Logan?" he says softly, and then he turns his head and buries his face in Kendall's shoulder, his shoulders shaking gently. I can't tell if he's crying or not, but either way he's upset. Kendall rubs his back awkwardly, avoiding my gaze.

"I don't know what to do," I mutter, running a hand through my hair. I turn and start pacing, my heart still racing. "I just don't know. What can I do? Why can't I save him?"

"James, this isn't your fault," Kendall says softly, but I ignore him, continuing my pacing.

"He's counting on me. He's waiting for me to save him, and I just _can't_."

"James."

"What if he's hurt? He's dead, I just know it. It's all my fault. I've failed him."

"_James!_" Kendall practically screams, hopping out of bed and grabbing me by the shoulders. "Snap out of it!" And then he slaps me, hard, a loud smacking sound echoing around the room. "Sit down and just get a hold of yourself, okay?" Without waiting for me to say anything, he pushes me down onto the bed, and I curl up next to Carlos, refusing to let my tears fall. I remember what Katie said, about crying meaning acceptance. I won't accept this. I won't believe it's true, not this time. Logan's okay. He's fine. I'm going to wake up and this whole thing will have been one huge nightmare, and I'll be able to wrap Logan in my arms and tell him I love him and stop feeling this pain in my chest. I close my eyes, willing myself to wake up. This can't be real. It just _can't._

"Please wake up," I whisper to myself. "Please, please, _please_ wake up."

"You're not dreaming, James," Kendall says softly, and my eyes snap open, meeting his.

"You're not really here," I mumble, trying to convince myself. "I'm dreaming. I'm just dreaming, and you two are demons who look like my friends, taking over my dreams and turning them into nightmares. Yeah, that's it. This is a nightmare. I'm dreaming." Kendall frowns, and then glances over at Carlos, who nods. Without warning, I'm being lifted into the air and carried off the bed. Kendall and Carlos carry me out the door and down the hall to the upstairs bathroom, setting me down in the shower.

"This is for your own good, James," Kendall says, and then he turns the water on, the icy cold liquid making me jump. I blink the water out of my eyes, and then I'm crying, my whole body slumping in defeat. This isn't a dream. It's all real, every bit of it, and I hate it. I wish so badly that I could just take Logan's place. Anything is better than going through this pain. And then I feel guilty, because taking Logan's place would mean he would have to be the one to suffer and miss me, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially not him.

"Better now?" Carlos asks gently, and I look up at him, shivering from the cold water pouring down on me. And no, I don' feel better at all. In fact, I feel worse, but I can't let him know just how miserable I am. They've suffered enough.

"Much better," I lie, easily forcing a smile. "Now can you turn the water off before I get hypothermia?" Carlos chuckles a bit, turning off the water and stepping back to let me out of the shower. Kendall hands me a towel, and I wrap it around myself, shaking water from my hair.

"Woah there, Fido," Kendall jokes as he's showered with water droplets, and I smile slightly, and this time the action is only partially forced.

"Sorry," I mutter, pulling the towel closer to myself. "I'm going to go get changed." I leave without another word, walking quickly back to my bedroom. I'm a bit disappointed. Telling Kendall and Carlos about the phone call gave me little comfort, and now I have no idea what to do. I briefly consider calling the police, but what can they do? It's not like I can just call back and have them trace the call, seeing as Logan won't be able to answer, and his kidnapper wouldn't be dumb enough to take the chance and answer it. I'm so hopelessly stuck.

I peel off my clothes, flinging them into a random corner of the room before pulling on a clean pair of jeans and a t-shirt. The sun is just starting to rise, illuminating my room with a pale golden glow. Logan always loved watching the sun rise. He said it was a magical time of day, everything waking up and coming to life. To me, it's just another part of life. The sun rises, and then it sets, and then the process is repeated the next day. It's nothing special, just a part of life. But perhaps that's why Logan likes sunrises so much; they're a sign that life goes on. I slowly walk to the window, looking up towards the sky, awaiting the rising of the sun. I feel connected to him in this moment, watching as another day begins. For some, it's the start of a new beginning. For others, the end of this life. But for me, in this moment, it's a reminder that no matter what happens, the world will keep on spinning, and that's enough to bring me some comfort. I can only hope that Logan has lived to see another day, and that wherever he is, he knows that I'll never give up on him, not again. I won't sit around here and feel sorry for myself. I won't give up the rest of my life. I'll keep on going, day by day, following the path of the sun.

Taking a deep breath, I make my wait out of the room and downstairs, walking past Kendall and Carlos on the couch. They look up in surprise as I walk past, their gaze following me until I'm at the front door, my fingers just inches away from the doorknob.

"Where are you going?" Kendall asks, and I turn my head to look at him.

"Out," I reply simply, once again attempting to turn the doorknob and exit the apartment.

"Wait, wait, wait," Kendall says in disbelief, getting up and walking over to me, Carlos trailing behind. "You're going out? _You?_" I nod, and Kendall opens his mouth slightly, trying to think of something else to say.

"Can we come with?" Carlos asks, and I shake my head.

"Sorry, Carlitos," I say, opening the door. "Not today." And really, I wouldn't mind all that much if they came along, but I just feel like I need to do this on my own. I need to find Logan, one way or another, and the only way I can do that is if I go out and look for him myself. The police obviously aren't having any luck.

"Alright…" he says reluctantly, and then I'm gone, not even bothering to close the door behind me,. I can feel Kendall's and Carlos's eyes on the back of my head, watching me go, and all I can do is keep going, rising up and following in the footsteps of the sun.

**Alright, so that wasn't awful. I'm actually pretty happy with this chapter, and now I know exactly how I'm going to write the rest of the story. I've got the whole thing planned out in my head. **


	13. Chapter 13

**Okay, so yeah, wow. I haven't updated in over a month. *cringes* This chapter just wasn't coming to me. I was soooo stuck on this. And, on top of that, I've got high school to deal with now. Homework and all that. And, on top of **_**that**_**, I've become a little rusty on writing this story. So, forgive me if this chapter isn't one of my best. I'm still trying to get back into it.**

**Also, I'd like to thank each and every one of you who have reviewed, favorited, alerted this story. And thank you so much for even reading it, and sticking with it. **

The sun isn't nearly as brilliant once I'm outside. It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky, and yet I can't seem to find happiness in its rays. My determination is masking my true feelings, hiding the desperation and fear that threatens to consume me. My hope is slowly evaporating, because what if he _is_ dead? What if all that's waiting for me at the end of all this is his limp body? I can't live without him for that long. I can't feel this way for the rest of my life.  
>Slowly, I begin walking forward, trying desperately not to become discouraged. My legs are shaking, my heart is thrashing around in my chest, and I have absolutely no idea what to do. There are no clues, no leads, nothing. He's waiting for me to find him, and I'm letting him down more and more with each passing minute. He's hurt, and scared, and he needs me.<p>

"What am I going to do?" I whisper to myself, glancing around at my surroundings. The Palm Woods Park is mostly empty, only several people walking around this early in the morning. The streets of LA are another story. Already, there are cars filling up the roads, making it near impossible to get anywhere on foot. With a sigh, I find a spot on a sidewalk to just stand and watch the cars going by. There's nothing more I can do at the moment, and I feel like such a failure. And as I watch car after car pass, my determination is slowly crumbling away. Holding back tears, I turn around, intent on finding a place where I can curl up and will myself to die, because let's face it, I'll never find him. But as I look up, I find myself face to face with a brown-eyed, freckle-faced brunette. I blink in surprise, taking a step back as I take her in, curious as to who she is and what she was doing standing behind me.

"I'm sorry," she says, smiling apologetically. "I didn't mean to surprise you. I was just going to ask if you were okay; I mean, you've been standing there for a while, and... Are you waiting for someone?"

"I-um... No, I'm fine," I reply, inwardly cringing at how my voice cracks the way it always does when I'm close to tears. Faking a smile, I hold out my hand for her to shake. "I'm James." The girl smiles again, and takes my hand in hers.

"I'm Jess. It's nice to meet you, James." Jess releases my hand and glances down at her shoes before meeting my eyes, and- oh my god, her eyes... The tears push past without warning, and she looks both confused and concerned, her eyebrows coming together. I try to speak, try to explain myself, but the words won't come, and she seems to understand that, grabbing my wrist and pulling me into a nearby café. She sits me down and orders a hot chocolate for each of us before taking a seat herself.

"I-I-I'm sorry," I choke out, but she just shakes her head, smiling gently.

"It's okay, just calm down." I have to look away, those eyes becoming too much. They're just like his, the same warm, chocolate brown. I'd forgotten just how much I love those eyes, how much I miss them. I take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes tightly shut for a moment. I open them again and take a few sips of my hot chocolate, ignoring the way the liquid burns as it flows down my throat.

"I'm sorry," I say again, and then clear my throat. "I'm a little emotional these days." Jess doesn't ask for an explanation, doesn't try and get me talking. She just nods, and I realize just how much I've been holding in, and everything comes spilling past my lips in a rush. I tell her everything, starting from the day Logan and I met, to our first kiss, the two years of bliss after that. I tell her about going to the hospital, and finding out Logan wasn't dead after all, and the envelopes and the videos and the sun. I tell her about her eyes, how they're almost exactly like his, and how I can't stand to look at them because it's too painful. And when I'm done, she takes a shaky breath, reaching across the table and placing her hand atop mine.

"I'm so sorry," she says softly, and there are tears in her eyes. "I wish there was some way I could help."

"You're helping already," I say, smiling slightly. "Just by listening. I've been keeping everything in. It feels nice to let it all out."

"I understand," Jess says, pulling her hand away and glancing at the watch that covers her wrist. "Oh! I'm really sorry, James, but I gotta go. I'm late for work..."

"Of course. I'm sorry I made you late." I blush slightly, but she just smiles.

"It's alright. Here." Jess pulls out a pen from her pocket, as well as a gum wrapper. She writes something on the wrapper and then slides it over to me. "If you ever need someone to talk to, give me a call." I take the wrapper and pocket it.

"Thanks. I will."

"I guess I'll see you later, then," she says, and stands. "Call anytime." I watch her leave, giving a small wave when she glances back. She smiles and waves back, and then she's gone. Taking a deep breath, I quickly finish my hot chocolate and make my own exit, deciding to head back to the Palm Woods. Maybe Kendall and Carlos will have some ideas as to what we can do to try and find Logan. Surely they've realized by now that the police aren't going to be much help. They're just as stumped as the rest of us.

However, when I make it back to 2J, the apartment is empty except for Ms. Knight making lunch in the kitchen. She smiles in greeting, and I smile back.

"Hey, Mama Knight. Where are Kendall and Carlos?"

"I think they said something about going down to the pool, but lunch is almost ready, so why don't you go down there and tell them to come up and eat?" she replies, and I nod.

"Yeah, sure," I say before leaving the apartment. The pool isn't exactly a place I'd like to go. At least, not for a while. There are just too many people there who will ask me how I'm feeling and about Logan and it's too much for me to handle tight now. But after talking to Jess, I feel much better, and my heart feels lighter, and yeah, I might burst into tears if I have to answer too many questions, but I'll be okay. Kendall and Carlos are sitting in our usual spot, and I hurry over to them, avoiding everyone else like they're the plague.

"Hey, James!" Carlos greets, and Kendall just nods.

"Hey, lunch is ready."

"Good, I'm starving," Carlos says cheerfully, hopping to his feet. "Come on, Ken, lunch time!"

"Carlos, I told you not to call me that!" Kendall says indignantly, and Carlos grins.

"I know, and that's exactly why I'm going to call you that." Kendall sighs before getting up as well, grabbing his and Carlos's towels.

"Let's just go," he sighs, and begins walking. Carlos hurries after him, and I just shake my head before following. Maybe they _won't_ have any ideas on how to save Logan. Yeah, probably not.

After lunch, Carlos begs me to play video games with him, and I agree, because I've been pushing him away lately and I know he probably misses having me around. And, truthfully, I've missed having him around as well. After talking with Jess, I've realized that some things you can't go through alone, even if you think you're the only one who's suffering. And being with someone else helps you get through the pain a little easier. Of course, Carlos beats me at every game we play, but I'm not really trying. Logan's still on my mind, and try as I may, I can't shake the feeling that something really bad has happened to him. I need to find him.

"Is something wrong, James?" Carlos asks, and I glance over at him before turning my attention back to the TV screen.

"Just thinking," I reply. "About Logan, and the phone call, and how no one has any idea where he is." Carlos pauses the game and turns to me, frowning slightly.

"You're not going to yell again, are you?" he asks, and I blink in surprise.

"No, why?"

"I don't know. You just, you always get angry and yell when we talk about Logan, and then you cry and it's kinda scary, James," he replies, and I feel absolutely horrible.

"I'm sorry," I say softly, and I seem to be apologizing a lot today. "It's just...hard, you know? I don't know what to do." Carlos is silent for a moment, and then his face lights up.

"You should talk to Kendall!"

"Kendall?"

"Yeah! He's really good at comforting people and stuff."

"I really don't think-"

"Kendall!" Carlos yells, and the blonde-haired boy is there a few moments later, concerned.

"What's wrong?" he asks, and Carlos just shakes his head.

"Nothing. I was just telling James how you're really good at comforting people, and he's sad so you should-"

"What _exactly_ did you tell him?" Kendall asks, cutting Carlos off mid-sentence, and he looks panicked. I raise an eyebrow, looking back and forth between the two. Something is definitely going on here...but what?

"I told him you were good at comforting people," Carlos says, slightly confused. "That's all."

"That's all?" His question is directed at me this time, and I narrow my eyes slightly.

"You're hiding something," I say slowly, and his eyes widen.

"No I'm not," he says quickly. "Oh, hey, Carlos, our room is a mess. Come help me clean it up." Kendall pulls Carlos away, the Latino protesting the whole way.

"What? No! Kendall-" The bedroom door closes, and I cross my arms. He's hiding something alright, and I'm going to find out what. A sudden idea pops into my head, and I shoot to my feet, hurrying upstairs and stopping outside Kendall and Carlos's bedroom. If they won't tell me what's going on, I'll just have to find out myself. I press my ear against the door, careful to not make any sound.

"-and that would be terrible!"

"Why?"

"Because he's already upset about Logan. He doesn't need to see us being all lovey-dovey and rubbing it in that we have each other and he has no one."

"But we're not rubbing it in."

"No, but he'll think we are, and then he'll get angry."

"But that's not fair."

"I know, Carlos." Kendall sighs. "And I'm sorry. I don't like hiding I any more than you do, but we have to if we want James to get through this."

"Does that mean I can't kiss you?"

"Of course you can kiss me, just not when James is around."

Kendall and Carlos fall silent, and I back away from the door, unable to breathe. They like each other? When did this all start? And why won't they just tell me? I'm totally okay with it, not upset at all. I'm glad they have each other. Now I don't have to feel so bad about avoiding Carlos and not being a good friend. They have each other... I'm happy... _I'm happy_. And then the tears start.

**So, this chapter was a little less intense, but there's still lots of stuff going on in James's brain. And, I wrote my first OC, and yes, she will show up again, but she's important to the plot. Actually, I'd like to hear your opinions on her, and on the Kenlos introduced in this chapter. I wasn't originally going to have Kenlos in this, so I'm not really sure how it's going to affect the story, but, well…**


	14. Chapter 14

**Here's the next chapter! It's been a while, I know, and I'm sorry. **

I'm shaking. I'm curled up in a ball on the couch, my knees pressed against my chest, my breathing a bit uneven, and my body won't still. Kendall and Carlos haven't come out of their room yet, and I don't know if they're actually cleaning their room or what. I'm sure their probably just kissing or something, happy as can be, while I'm out here wondering how I'm not dead yet. It doesn't seem right, living while Logan is going through so much. I should have died the second I thought he was dead. Maybe I _am _dead and I just don't know it. Yeah, definitely dead.

Once again, I'm back to feeling sorry for myself. The strength I had found this morning has vanished completely. I shouldn't be this affected by this new knowledge. I shouldn't care that Kendall and Carlos are now together and get to sleep together and kiss and who knows just what else they've done. But I do. The jealousy has hold of my heart, the agony, and all I can do is lie here on the couch and hope to god they don't come out here and see me. I can't stand to look at them, talk to them. Seeing them together would kill me. Maybe I'm just being selfish, immature. I mean, they have every right to date each other and be happy. Hell, Logan and I always joked about the two of them getting together. The idea had always been welcome, and now, I can hardly believe it's happening.

"You okay?" a soft voice asks, and I jump, blinking to clear my head. Ms. Knight stands over me, a concerned expression on her face. I hadn't even heard her come into the room.

"I don't know," I reply, and it's the truth. I know I'm upset over Kendall and Carlos, but I don't know why. Maybe I'm going insane. It wouldn't surprise me. Ms. Knight sits down next to me, placing a hand on my knee.

"You're okay, sweetie," she says gently, and that's all it takes for me to start bawling my eyes out. I'm _not _okay. I'm falling to pieces, little by little every day. He's gone. _He's gone. _Ms. Knight doesn't say anything else, her own tears appearing. I can tell she's not sure what to say. This whole situation isn't any easier for her than it is for us, I realize. She's hurting, too. She's scared, too, and worried. Logan is as much her son as Kendall is. Her baby is hurt, missing, and her other three sons are falling apart.

"Do you think the police will find him?" I ask, my voice quiet and hesitant like a child's. I need her to say yes, need her to rekindle that hope I've lost. She is perhaps the only person who can convince me he'll be okay, because she's my mom, my protector. She's the adult.

"I don't know," is all she says. "It's been almost a month, James. The police are searching, I know they are, but… I just don't know." My world is slowly crumbling. Even Ms. Knight is starting to lose hope, and if _she _has even the tiniest bit of doubt, I can't possibly hope to get Logan back. I'm going to lose him for good. The next time I see him, if I even _do _see him again, he won't even be Logan anymore, just the corpse of the boy my whole life is centered around.

"I didn't even get to say goodbye," I sob, and regret floods my chest. Why didn't I tell him I loved him more often? Why did I let him go to the store that day without a kiss goodbye, a hug? I should have held him tight and never let him go.

"There's no need for a goodbye," she says softly, her hand tightening on my knee. "Even if he doesn't get out of this, James, he loves you, and he knows you love him. If there is one thing I know for sure it's that you'll never need to say goodbye, because he'll always be there. Even if you can't see him."

"I want to see him, though," I say, and my voice sounds almost whiney. Ms. Knight sniffles, takes a deep breath, and wraps me in a hug.

"Everything is going to be fine, James, you'll see." She holds me for another moment before pulling away and getting to her feet. "I'm going to make some hot chocolate, you want some?" I nod my head, forcing myself to sit up and wipe my eyes. Ms. Knight smiles sympathetically before heading into the kitchen. Taking a deep breath, I look down at my hands, lacing my fingers together. Logan should be here, holding my hand. I shouldn't have to be alone.

The smell of hot chocolate is what finally lures Kendall and Carlos out of their room. I try not to look at them, knowing if I do I'll just get even more upset, but I'm drawn to them by curiosity. I can't help but study them, notice their slightly ruffled hair and the way they stand a few feet apart at all times. They're all smiles, the guiltiness hidden beneath. They have each other, and I have no one. In that moment, just for a second, I hate them.

"You okay?" Carlos asks, noticing my puffy red eyes. He comes closer, worry evident on his face. Kendall slowly inches forward, almost guiltily. Of course he feels guilty. He was in his room having the time of his life with Carlos while I was slowly losing my mind on the couch.

"So now you care?" I ask coldly, surprising even myself. It's like my mouth has a mind of its own. "You didn't seem to care while you were cuddled up with Carlos is your room. But, you know, that's okay. Not like I need you two or anything." Kendall's mouth falls open, and I can almost sense his panic. "Yeah, I know. I know you two are together now. Why should I care?"

"James, we wanted to tell you, but-"

"But what, Carlos? I get it. I'm not worth your time. I'm all depressing and upset all the time. I yell. Well, sorry, but _my _boyfriend just so happens to be _missing_," I snap, getting to my feet.

"James, we're sorry," Kendall says gently, and I turn my attention to him, fuming though I don't know why.

"No, it's fine. Why don't you two go make out some more in the bedroom? Or better yet, why don't you do it right in front of me!"

"We're not-"

"Not what? Together? In love? I heard you two, Kendall, and I don't care! I'm perfectly fine with you two being together! Everything is just _perfect_, isn't it?" I push past them, making my way towards the stairs. Kendall blocks my way, and my eyes narrow. "_Move._" It's a warning, but he doesn't move." Anger burns hot beneath my skin, and before I can really think about it, I punch him. There's a sickening crunch, and he crumples to the ground.

"James!" Ms. Knight screams, and my anger instantly vanishes, replaced with fear. I glance down at Kendall, seeing blood gushing from his nose, and then I'm being harshly pulled back, thrown into the couch. Carlos is instantly in my face, his expression beyond outraged.

"Listen, James, I know you're upset, but don't you _ever _lay a hand on my boyfriend again," he says, his tone low and menacing. I don't know what to say or what to do. I don't even know why I punched Kendall, why I got so angry. This is what insanity feels like, I guess. This is what it feels like to lose your mind. Carlos locks eyes with me for a moment, and I see his expression soften the tiniest bit before he's hurrying to Kendall's side. He kneels down next to his boyfriend, knocking Ms. Knight out of the way. She looks so confused, so overwhelmed and helpless. I'm a monster. I'm a horrible, evil monster that can't help but cause pain and suffering.

"I don't know," I whisper to myself. "I just don't know." Tears sting my eyes, and I don't even bother to hold them back. Before I know it I'm sobbing again, watching as Carlos helps Kendall up. They can't even look at me as they walk past and into the kitchen. Ms. Knight stays on her knees by the stairs, and I can hear her own sobs as she falls apart. What am I doing? Why am I even still here? I slowly get to my feet, not sure where to go or what to do. I should probably go apologize to Kendall, but I highly doubt Carlos will even let me anywhere near him. Besides, I don't deserve forgiveness. I can't do anything right. How could I have thought I could find Logan when I can't even find myself? Suddenly panicky, I hurry upstairs to my room and lock the door. I take my phone from my pocket and dial Jess's number, hoping she'll pick up and that she's not busy. I can't talk to anyone but her, can't stand to face Kendall or Carlos or Ms. Knight. My heart skips a beat when I hear her pick up, answer with a quick hello.

"Jess? Hi. This is James. Are you busy right now?"

"James! Are you okay? Are you crying?"

"I just punched one of my best friends. I don't even know why, I just-"

"Talk to him. Apologize. Before you do anything else, make things right between you two."

"But-"

"Call me when you've made things right," she says, and then she hangs up. I pocket my phone, trying not to feel like she completely pushed me away. She was right, wasn't she? I had to apologize before I made things worse. Easier said than done.

Ms. Knight was gone when I got back downstairs, and Kendall and Carlos were still in the kitchen. Mustering up what little courage I had at the moment, I slowly made my way to the kitchen, my heart pounding nervously. As I suspected, Carlos didn't let me get three steps into the room.

"Go away, James," he says, pushing me back. I let him, my head dropping.

"I'm sorry," I say lamely, and he snorts.

"Yeah, well, you're not forgiven," he replies. Desperately, I look back at Kendall, who has paper towel pressed gently against his nose to stop the flow of blood. "We need to get to the hospital. You broke his fucking nose."

"I'm sorry," I say again, and Carlos pushes me completely out of the kitchen.

"No, you're not."

"I _am_," I insist, pushing past him. Kendall's eyes widen as I run toward him, and he cringes away before I wrap my arms around him in a tight hug, burying my face in his shoulder.

"James, I don't think you're helping," Kendall says quietly, and I feel Carlos come up behind me.

"I'm _sorry_," I say, as sincerely as possible. "Really, I am. I don't even- Kendall, I'm so confused. I think… I think I'm going insane." I glance back at Carlos, who, despite his arms crossed over his chest, looks much less menacing.

"It's okay," Kendall says softly, and I almost cry with relief. "And we're sorry for not telling you about us. We just didn't want to make you feel bad."

"You don't have to apologize. I _was _upset over you two, I just don't know why." I frown, pulling away from Kendall and wrapping Carlos in a hug instead.

"Maybe you're just upset that Logan isn't here to see it. You always joked about us getting together," Carlos says, and I nod, pulling away.

"I guess so. It makes sense. I really don't have a problem with you tow dating, I promise."

"We know," Kendall says, and I feel myself relax. "But we really do need to get to the hospital. Gustavo's sending a limo to pick us up, since mom hasn't gotten another rental car yet."

"Sorry," I say softly, and Kendall just smiles, patting me on the back.

"Don't worry about it, just a broken nose." I almost smile, relieved that everything is okay between us.

"Okay. I'm going to go up to my room, I think," I say, and Kendall nods.

"It's gonna be okay, James," Carlos calls to me as I leave, and I close my eyes for a moment. I wish I could believe him, but I can't.


	15. Chapter 15

"I'm sorry for bothering you again so soon," I say with a small smile as Jess lets me into her apartment. Funny thing is, she lives at the Palm Woods, moved in about three months ago. Apartment 3J, right above us. And now that I've seen her again, she _does_ seem kind of familiar.

"Oh, don't worry about it, James. I know you're upset, and it's not like I'm doing anything else," Jess replies. Then she frowns slightly, looking apologetic. "I'm sorry, that came out wrong. You're not like a last resort or anything. I'm really not busy."

"It's okay," I say, smiling to let her know I understand. "I wouldn't care if I was a last resort, though. I just need somebody to talk to, and your number one on my list."

"Even above your friends?"

"Even above them," I reply, realizing how bad it sounds. "I don't know, things are just weird between us right now. Plus, they're at the hospital at the moment."

"The hospital?" Jess asks, concerned, and I sigh before walking past her and to the couch. Plopping down on the cushions, I bury my face in my hands.

"I punched Kendall. I broke his nose." My voice is muffled by my hands, but Jess seems to understand none the less. I feel her small hand on my shoulder, comforting. I suddenly realize how tense I am, and release my muscles, letting out another sigh. I move my hands from my face and look up at her, shame swimming in my eyes. "I know I'm an ass. I don't try to be. I just can't help it."

"James, no one's judging you. You're going through a tough time. Anybody in your situation would be upset."

"But I punched one of my _best friends_, the people I should be drawn to when things get this tough. Instead, I find myself pushing away from them more and more each day. It scares me," I say softly, and Jess moves to sit beside me on the couch.

"I think you're just scared you're going to lose them, too," she says gently. "You're subconsciously drifting away from them so you can't be hurt like this again." I blink, staring at her in awe, because I never thought of it that way. She could easily be right. I could be so afraid of losing them that I'm distancing myself now to avoid getting hurt in the long run.

"But…I don't want to lose them completely. Why would I push them away and cause myself pain now?"

"I don't know, James," she says, her eyes apologetic. "I just know that you're scared. I can see it in your eyes. You're so afraid." She wraps her arms around me in a gentle hug, and after a second of shock, I hug her back tightly. I don't know where she came from or how I was so lucky as to find her. I don't know why I can feel so comforted in her arms when I met her just earlier today. But now that I have her, I need her. She understands and sympathizes in a way only a girl can. Around her I don't feel pressured to be anyone but my depressing, pitiful self, and I know she won't laugh at me or tell me to suck it up. She won't tell me that everything is fine or that it will be okay. Jess simply comforts, empathizes, cheers you up.

"Where did you come from?" I whisper, feeling my eyes burn once again with unshed tears, but this time the tears are out of relief.

"New York City," she laughs, and I feel myself smile in response. "Why?"

"Just wondering where Heaven was," I reply, and it's such a corny sentence that we both burst into light-hearted laughter. My heart feels light and airy, empty, but not unbearably so. It's a strange feeling after weeks of constant hurt, but I welcome it gratefully. Anything is better than the pain, the guilt and regret.

"Aw, you're sweet," Jess says after a moment. "I'm not that perfect."

"Uh, yeah, you are. I keep waiting for wings to sprout from her back or something."

"Stop it!" she says with a giggle, and I move back to look her up and down.

"Pretty, too," I say. "Pretty enough to be an angel."

"I thought you were gay," she chuckles, and I grin.

"I am, doesn't mean I can't appreciate a gorgeous person when I see one." Jess's laughter dies down, and she gives me a small yet radiant smile.

"You know, I don't think I've ever heard someone tell me that with more sincerity," she says quietly, and for a moment I see all kinds of emotions flash in her eyes. I realize that maybe her life isn't as perfect as it appears to be. She seems happy, but maybe it's all just a cover-up for how she really feels.

"You've been hurt before," I say softly, and it's more of a thought than a question. Jess meets my eyes, pain evident in the chocolate-brown orbs, and for a second I can't breathe, because once again I'm reminded just how similar they are to Logan's.

"I've been hurt, yeah," she whispers, and then she looks away, and I can see her blinking back tears. I immediately feel bad for bringing it up. It's obvious she's still hurting, maybe even as much as I am.

"I'm sorry," I say, and she just shakes her head.

"Don't be," she says. "It's dumb, anyway. I should be over it by now." Frowning, I scoot closer, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, and suddenly I'm the one doing the comforting.

"Hey, there's no set time on when you should move on, and even when you do, you'll always remember from time to time and feel the hurt."

"I know," she says quietly, and my heart aches at the hopelessness in her voice. I wish I could just take away all her pain. If anyone deserves to be happy, it's Jess. "I just…I hate him so much. I don't want to miss him anymore."

"Jess, whoever he is, you don't need him. Anyone who causes you this much pain isn't good for you."

"I know. But I still love him," she says, and then the tears fall. "I thought he was perfect. He always seemed to be so happy around me. He told me he loved me and called me beautiful. He made me feel special. Then one day I saw him with another girl, saw how he held her close and how completely happy he was. He told her everything he told me, how perfect she was, except with her it was real. I could see it with my own eyes, hear it in the way he talked to her. He loved her, and I realized, he'd never loved me." With a loud sob, Jess buries her face in her hands, her heart breaking all over again right in front of me, and I don't know what to do, don't know how to make her stop hurting. Hell, I can't even stop myself from hurting.

"Please don't cry," I say gently, pulling her close. "You're all the way on the other side of the country. He can't hurt you now." And suddenly I realize that that's exactly why she's here in LA. "Aw, Jess, I'm so sorry. He's just an ass."

"Don't call him that," she whispers, letting out a quiet hiccup. "I know he seems like an ass, but, I don't know. He was always so good to me. It's not his fault he's in love with somebody else." Her voice breaks on the last word, and she goes into another round of sobs. Desperate to end her cries, I stand and gently pick her up, walking her to the kitchen and setting her down on the table. She lets her legs dangle off the edge as she watches me hurry about the kitchen, throwing random comfort foods in her direction. Chips, cookies, soda, and other assorted sweets litter the table and floor, and she wipes her eyes with a small smile, grabbing my arm as I pass to stop me.

"There's ice cream in the freezer," she says with a small laugh, and I grin triumphantly as I take out the ice cream and hand it to her. "Spoons are in the drawer right behind you." As I hand her a spoon, she smiles up at me gratefully, patting the spot next to her on the table. Clearing away the bags of junk food, I pull myself up, dipping a finger into her open tub of ice cream.

"Hey!" she laughs, pulling the ice cream away. "Get a spoon."

"Eh, it's too far away," I reply with a grin, sucking the ice cream from my finger. A sudden image flashes across my mind, a memory I'd forgotten.

"Lazy," Jess teases, but I barely hear her. Logan. God, he's such a tease. I close my eyes, taking in the memory of the time Logan took me out for ice cream. He got a vanilla and licked it in such a provocative way I got a hard on. He swears it wasn't on purpose, but honestly, I think he did it just so I'd embarrass myself by getting an erection in public. But god, was the sex that night amazing. I open my eyes, smiling like an idiot, before noticing the familiar discomfort in my pants.

"Shit!" I say, looking down, and Jess follows my gaze before erupting in giggles.

"Ooh, whatever you were thinking about just now, it must have been good."

"Shut up," I groan, cheeks flushed. "Oh my god, I can't believe I- I'm sorry."

"It's okay, better to think about the good memories, right?" she says, and I just sigh in defeat as I stare at the bulge in my pants, willing it to go away.

"I guess so, but I'm missing him like hell now. Not that I wasn't before, but…" I can't seem to find the words to describe how I'm feeling, and Jess grins.

"But now you're horny, right?" she teases, and I lightly slap her arm.

"Stop it!" I say, promptly erupting into giggles. "I'm trying not to sound like a sex addict, here."

"No one said you were an addict, James," Jess says with mock seriousness. "But the fact you feel like you are says something"

"Noooo!" I laugh, and she sets down her ice cream to hold her stomach as she goes into a laughing fit. "I hate you!"

"Aw, you don't mean that," she says, breathless. She lets out another laugh before forcing herself to calm down. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't tease." But her eyes betray her apology, shining and so full of joy I can't help but feel immensely happy. She's happy now, and that's all that matters. Seeing her so upset is just too depressing.

Suddenly, the room erupts with the sound of wind chimes, and I look at her questioningly. Her smile quickly fades and she pulls out her phone, shooting me a quick apologetic glance as she opens up a text. Her expression once again grows sad and I rest a hand on her shoulder, concerned.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Work stuff," she says without looking at me. "They need me to come back and help out. I'm sorry." She gets up without another word, leaving me to stare after her, confused. I hear the door open and close, and then she's gone. I sit there for several minutes, but she doesn't come back, and feeling awkward alone in her house, I hop off the table and quickly make my way back down to 2J. I pause outside the door, the light-hearted feeling in my stomach vanishing. I try not to let Jess's sudden leaving effect me, but I can't help but feel like she abandoned me. She didn't even say goodbye.

**Okay, so, no Kendall, Carlos, etc. in this chapter. I needed some James/Jess bonding time, and hopefully you guys don't find this completely boring and pointless. I mean, reading about James being happy is better than reading about him being sad, right? Plus, all of the back-story is important to the plot and to Jess's character, so, boring as it may have been, it was a needed fill in chapter. Net chapter should be up soon, and it's another Logan chapter so it's got to be interesting, right? Right. :P**


	16. Chapter 16

**Ok, so I didn't get this posted as fast as I wanted to, but at least it didn't take a whole month again, right? Anyway, here's the next chapter, in Logan's POV, as promised. :)**

**Logan's POV: one week later**

I watch as the trees sway, birds flying past every so often. Everything outside the window seems easier, simpler. It's full of life and beautiful, the sun just starting to peek through the trees. I used to love the sun. Now it's just a painful reminder that I've lived another day, that I didn't die in my sleep like I've been wanting to. I could always just break through the glass on the window, fly like the birds before hitting the ground, but I can't do that to James. I can't end my life and leave him alone for good. And so I sit here day after day, watching the world go on around me, willing myself to simply never wake up each time I fall asleep. That way if I die, it's not really my fault, and I don't have to feel eternal guilt.

I move my arm slightly and wince. I made a makeshift splint out of toilet paper rolls and other assorted things I found in the bathroom, but it doesn't completely hold my wrist still, and every little movement hurts. I'd begged my kidnapper to take me to a hospital. I promised I wouldn't say anything. But he refused, shoving me against the wall and raping me roughly, just for asking. Angry tears sting my eyes, and I force myself away from the window, pacing around the bathroom. It feels too small, too confining.

"Fuck!" I scream, running my hands through my hair. I sit down on the toilet, hanging my head as the tears fall harder. I can't take this anymore. My body shakes with sobs and I scream, because I'm losing my mind, like I've already lost my freedom, and it just fucking _hurts_. Everything is falling to pieces around me and I can't do anything about it. What's the point in living if you already feel dead? What is there for me in this world anymore? I'll never be free of this place I'm in, both physically and mentally. I've fought off the insanity with everything I have, but I know I can never go back to the state of mind I was in before all this happened. My mind will forever hold me here, and I'll never be able to go anywhere on my own or have sex, and I'll be too much of a burden for everybody. I'll be too much of a burden for James.

My heart throbs painfully in my chest. Out of everything that's happened, being away from James is what's affected me the most. Just being with him has always been enough to calm and reassure me. Without him, I fall apart a little more each day. And every day he doesn't come for me, my need of him grows. I've always believed that if something ever happened to me, James would be there within the hour, my knight in shining armor. But he hasn't come, and though my brain tells me it's not his fault, that there's no way he could know where I am, my heart feels betrayed. It's been roughly a month now, and he still hasn't come. Isn't he out there searching for me? Doesn't he care?

I shake my head, pushing away my thoughts. They're dangerous thoughts, thoughts that make you lose hope, faith. I know he's out there going crazy looking for me. I know he loves me and is doing everything he can to get me back. My eyes close and I remember his face, the soft curves of his back, his chest. I smile through the tears, a soft, fragile smile that feels fake, like some kind of made-up reality. He's always here, in my dreams, my mind, my heart. But he's never HERE, and every time I open my eyes I'm reminded of that fact. And every time I open my eyes, that reality seems a little further from the truth.

"James, I need you," I whisper, and my voice sounds pathetic even to my own ears. "Please come for me. Please find me." I open my eyes, my stomach sinking at the all too familiar cream-colored walls and white tiles, the double sink and toilet, the bathtub that I've grown to hate. The entire room mocks me with its harsh reality, and I can't stop the tears from falling. You'd think a person could only cry for so long, that there would eventually be no more tears left, but the truth is you cry long after the tears dry up. In fact, you don't really ever stop crying. Your eyes may be dry, but you feel the sobs deep in your chest, in the very center of your being. It makes your heart hurt, your stomach knot. Every bone in my body breaking all at once could not compare to the emotional pain I feel. Physical wounds may scar, but the pain eventually goes away. With emotional wounds, the pain lasts forever.

A sudden knock on the door makes me jump so hard I fall off the toilet seat. My breathing speeds up and my heart pounds in my ears. Please no, not now, not now. I curl up in a ball as I sob impossibly harder. Please don't let him touch me again. Don't let him hurt me anymore.

"Logan? You alright in there?" The door opens, and I feel each vibration of his footsteps like an earthquake. My whole body shakes, my breath catching in my throat. "I brought you breakfast. Should I just leave it on the floor or...?" Anger swells in my chest, but I won't stand up to him, not now when I'm so vulnerable and trapped.

"Just go away," I say weakly, my voice cracking on the last word. I hear him set down the tray of food and then he's sitting beside me, his hand on my back. I cringe, but I don't try to move away for fear of upsetting him. The littlest things set him off lately.

"Please don't cry, Logan. It's okay. It's not so bad here, is it?" he says gently, and I just snort. It's _worse_ than bad. I'm living in my own little Hell here.

"I said go away." It's a small act of defiance, but it's an act none the less, and I hold my breath as I wait for him to start hurting me. He moves his hand to my shoulder, turning me to face him, and even though I'm terrified, I can't help but look up at him with hate in my eyes. And suddenly I can't control my anger anymore. I unwrap my arms from around my chest and shove him away from me, my broken wrist screaming in protest. He looks surprised for a second before he narrows his eyes and gets to his feet, and my anger quickly fades away as he comes closer. My eyes widen as I realize I've fucked up. He's angry now, and once he's angry there's no stopping him. I hurriedly push myself back against the bathtub, trying desperately to get far enough away, to save myself from yet another rape. But he just walks faster, kicking me swiftly in the stomach once I'm in reach. I double over as the breath whooshes from my lungs, and he kicks me again, forcing my head back as his toe connects with my jaw. I start to scream, knowing it's useless, but it's the only thing I can do. My throat feels raw and my eyes burn with tears, and I just can't seem to get enough air. He falls to his knees on the ground, throwing his shirt off over his head before unzipping his pants and freeing himself.

"You like being rough, huh? Come suck my dick, slut," he growls, and I whimper in response, unmoving. He frowns before grabbing my neck and forcing me over to him, bringing my face down to his length. I try to turn away, but he moves his grip to my chin, pinching my nose shut. I close my eyes tightly as the tears continue to fall, willing myself to just die and be done with all of this. Seconds go by, and it becomes progressively harder to hold my breath. My whole body aches as I finally open my mouth and gasp for air, and immediately he's shoving into my mouth, gagging me, and for a second I think I'm going to suffocate anyway. But then he releases my nose, and I breathe in deeply as my throat burns from the intrusion. He's rough and careless, and I can feel my throat being rubbed raw. My hands move along the floor, trying to find a grip so I can push myself away, but it's no use. I'm trapped awkwardly between his legs, and my wrist throbs with every movement. I groan in pain as he thrusts hard up into my mouth, and he moans low in his throat.

"Just like that, baby," he says softly, and I feel sick to my stomach. "Do it again." I silently refuse, moving my arm up and punching him in the stomach. He growls and roughly shoves me away, and I cough as I take in a breath, the air burning my throat.

"Sto-op!" I choke out between coughs, curling in on myself.

"What do I do, Logan?" he says angrily, and I glance up at him, confused. "What can I do to make you not hate me?" My eyes narrow in disgust as I slowly force myself to sit up.

"Nothing you could ever do will make me stop hating you," I force out, my throat burning with every word. "I hate you with everything I have, down to the center of my being. I will _never_ love you, and I will _never_ stop trying to get away from you." Mustering up every ounce of strength I have left, I throw myself at him, fingernails digging into his skin, leaving deep marks before I'm punching him everywhere I can reach. The pain in my wrist fades away as my mind goes blank of everything but punching him, hurting him, killing him. I can't do this anymore. I can't be his hostage.

"Get off me!" he shouts, and I've never heard him angrier. He knees me in the groan, and I crumple, sliding off of him and landing on my side. Gritting my teeth through the pain, I kick him away from me, pushing myself to my feet. I manage to take three steps before he's throwing me to the ground, falling to his knees on top of me and shoving into me roughly. I scream, flailing my arms and kicking my legs as best I can, but I can't reach him, can't make him stop.

"Help me!" I scream, knowing damn well no one can hear me. "Stop it! No! Help!" My head is pulled back as my kidnapper grabs a hold of my hair.

"Say my name, you dirty little whore!" he shouts, and I frown, confused. I don't even know his name. Instead, I shout out the biggest defiance.

"James!" My head is shoved to the floor, and black dots swim before my eyes as my skull throbs. I can hear my heartbeat racing in my ears.

"_Paul!_" he screams, lifting my head before slamming it back into the floor. "_My name is Paul!_" Once again, my head is slammed into the floor, and I cry out in pain, bringing my arms forward to cushion the next landing. Paul releases my hair, pulling out of me and standing up. He's out the door within seconds, slamming it shut behind him. I hear it lock and then he's stomping out of the bedroom. There's a loud, angry scream before the bedroom door is also slammed shut, and then everything is silent. Too confused to cry, I slowly sit up and look around in a daze. Did he really just get up and go? After I said _that_? I frown as I rack my brain for any memory of a Paul in school, but it doesn't ring any bells. I guess I really _was_ too busy with James to pay attention to him. But is that really my fault?

I notice his shirt lying a few feet away, and though I don't want to touch anything of his, much less wear it, I'm sick of constantly being naked. The bathroom is cold, and I could use any bit of warmth I can get. I crawl over to the red fabric, tugging it over my head. It's big on me, more like a short dress than a shirt, but I don't care. The more it covers, the better. The tray of food Paul brought in earlier is surprisingly untouched, and I hurry over to it, my stomach growling. It's not much, just a bowl of cereal and some orange juice, but it's enough to fill my stomach for now. And if my stomach is filled, I can relieve some of the emptiness. The emptiness in my heart is enough.

**Soooo, what did you guys think? Is it ok? The next chapter is already started, so expect that within the next week. :)**


	17. Chapter 17

**James's POV: one month later**

It's Christmas morning, and instead of feeling cheerful, my mood is gloomier than ever. I sit cross-legged beside the tree, staring at the unwrapped presents with Logan's name on them. It's been almost two months since he was kidnapped, and I've never missed him more than I do on this day. Christmas is _our_ day. It's the day we met, the day we started dating. When I imagine our wedding, I imagine it on this day, our anniversary. My stomach sinks with regret as I think about him and our future, and how I never even thought about proposing. And now it's too late.

"You gonna sit there all day?" Kendall asks from behind me, and I jump, startled out of my misery. He sits beside me, an arm going around my shoulders. "Sitting here all day missing him isn't going to help. Go out, have fun, forget what day it is."

"Easier said than done," I mumble, and he sighs.

"Look, I know today is special to you, but please just do _something_ besides sitting here," he says gently. "It hurts to see you like this. You don't know how guilty I feel, spending all my time with Carlos." I glance over at him, but he's staring at the tree, refusing to meet my gaze.

"It's okay," I say softly, moving my arm to wrap him in a one-armed hug. "You and Carlos deserve to be happy." There must have been a hint of sadness in my voice, for Kendall quickly turns his gaze to me, eyebrows knit together.

"You deserve to be happy, too."

"But I'm not," I muse, turning my attention back to the presents. Kendall falls silent, and I know he's unsure what to say. And really, what _can _he say? What do you say to a person going through a situation like this? How do you give them comfort?

The phone goes off, loud and shrill and almost deafening in the silence that has fallen over Kendall and I. I jump slightly, startled, gazing at the phone until Ms. Knight appears to answer it. Hope rises in my chest and I push it back down, knowing from experience that hope only leads to disappointment.

"Hello?" she answers, and my breath catches in my throat despite my effort to be indifferent. "Yes, this is she… You did? That's great! What was that? Oh. _Oh._ Alright… Yes, I understand… Thank you very much." Ms. Knight lets out a sigh and hangs up the phone, turning slowly to face us. The look on her face says it all.

"_No_," I whisper, bringing my hands up to tangle them in my hair. I open my mouth to say more, to ask what happened, but the words get stuck in my throat.

"Now honey," Ms. Knight starts, coming forward to place a hand on my shoulder. "It's nothing too bad. They found my car."

"That's great!" Kendall says suddenly, and I jump, forgetting that he was still there. Ms. Knight falls silent. "What? That's good, right?"

"Yes, but…" She trails off, letting out another sigh. "They found some things in the car. They think the kidnapper planted the car where it was, because it was filled with… James, it was filled with pink envelopes. Almost a hundred of them." I blink up at her, trying to process her words. Pink envelopes. Nearly a hundred. _Logan._ I let out a shaky breath, unable to speak. God, how much more can he take? How much more pain does he have to go through?

"James? You okay?" Kendall asks gently, and all I can do is shake my head. And suddenly I can't breathe, can't move, can't even think. Ms. Knight's words keep running though my mind over and over again. _It was filled with pink envelopes. Almost a hundred of them. Almost a hundred. A hundred. _

"I gotta go," I croak out, pushing myself to my feet. I stumble to the door, fumbling with the knob before finally getting it open and nearly throwing myself into the hallway. My legs move on their own, and it's all I can do to blink back tears as I move down the hallway and up the elevator. It's not a surprise when I find myself at Jess's door, and it's even less of a surprise when she ushers me inside without question as soon as she sees my face. She sits me down on the couch and I try to control my breathing, noticing how ragged it's become. Jess doesn't say a word, just wraps her arms around me and holds me close until I've managed to get a grip and calm down.

"They found the car," I say softly, needing no prompting to start telling her everything. "And it was filed with pink envelopes and Ms. Knight says there's nearly a hundred of them and Logan is all alone and I can't find him and this is all my fault and how is he supposed to live through all this-"

"_James_," Jess cuts in gently, placing a delicate hand on my cheek and turning my face towards her. "Slow down. You need to breathe." I sigh and take a deep breath, closing my eyes for a moment before opening them again. Our eyes meet, hazel meeting brown, and it never ceases to amaze me how similar her eyes are to Logan's. The breath leaves my lungs in an instant, and I find myself just staring. And she's close, so close, and all I can see is her eyes because my head is suddenly spinning, and _her eyes_. Something in me snaps, and all I see is her eyes as I lean forward and press my lips to hers. She lets out a quiet gasp, her body going rigid and tense, as if she's unsure whether she should pull away or wait for my insanity to pass. Her lips don't feel like Logan's, and she doesn't smell like Logan, but if I look into her eyes and just keep staring, maybe I can pretend. Maybe I can make the hurt go away for a little while and _yes_, she's not moving and I can't think straight and it's _Logan_. I feel myself shattering and the room fades away and _those eyes_. I lean forward, pushing her into the cushions, and she lets out a squeak and tries to push me away.

"Please," I murmur against her lips. "_Please._" And I know she's struggling with herself, torn between doing what she knows is right and pleasing me. Finally, she just goes limp, letting me push her down into the cushions without complaint. Somewhere deep down I know I should stop. She isn't Logan, not even close, and yet when I look into her eyes she _is _Logan, and how can I pass this up?

"James, we should stop," she whispers, and she sounds almost scared.

"Shhh," I murmur, adjusting myself so our bodies are touching. "Don't talk." My hand travels up her thigh, and she squirms. Her eyes squeeze shut, and when she opens them again they're filled with tears. I freeze, blinking hard, and suddenly her eyes don't look so much like Logan's anymore. I notice how they're a slightly lighter chocolate brown, and how her eyelashes are so much longer, and I immediately shove myself away from her, falling on the floor in the process and abruptly bursting into tears.

"James," Jess says, concerned. "James, don't cry." She slides off the couch and kneels next to me, frowning. "It's _okay._"

"How can you-" A sob escapes my throat, cutting off my speech. "How can you say that? I'm so sorry, _I'm so sorry._" And _god_, what was I even _thinking_? Logan is gone and here I am kissing someone else, kissing _Jess_, who's been such a good friend to me these few weeks I've known her. What the fuck is _wrong _with me?

"You didn't mean it," she says quietly, almost as if she's still trying to convince herself of this fact. But I _did_ mean it, even if was only for a moment, because she was right there, with her chocolate eyes and friendly openness and I just _lost _myself.

"What's wrong with me? I don't even- Jess, I…you were Logan. I looked into your eyes and all I saw was Logan and I just- _What's wrong with me?_"

"You're upset," she says softly. "And stressed. And this whole situation is too much for you."

"And now I'm going crazy."

"No, you just snapped. Something in you gave up."

"But I kissed you, and I don't even like girls! How the hell could I think you were Logan without being crazy?"

"I don't know, James," Jess sighs, and we both fall silent. It should be uncomfortable, _she _should be uncomfortable, but she just scoots a little closer and pulls my head into her lap, gently snaking her hands through my hair. I wipe at my eyes, trying to push away the new-found feeling of hatred I have towards myself. Jess shouldn't just forgive me so easily. She shouldn't even want to be near me right now, but as always, she's so completely selfless, comforting me despite everything that just happened.

"I'm sorry," I say again, and really, I don't think I'll ever be able to stop saying it. I can't say it enough. But all Jess does is shake her head, hushing me and staring at the floor, clearly lost in her thoughts. I let out a long sigh, opening my mouth to speak and then shutting it again. I don't know how to explain myself and my actions. Not only have I betrayed Logan by kissing Jess, but I've betrayed Jess as well. She's still getting over a painful break-up, and here I am kissing her and messing with her head without even really meaning to.

"Do your friends know you're here?" Jess says finally, eyes resting upon my face.

"Uh, not really," I reply. "I don't think so. Today has just been awful, with the news about the envelopes and celebrating Christmas without Logan. I miss him so much more today. Did I ever tell you today is our anniversary?"

"No," she says, frowning once again. "I'm sorry. I can't imagine how you feel, being without him."

"It's hard," I croak, and then clear my throat. "I mean, obviously. I just don't really know how else to describe it."

"That's alright. I know what you mean." I realize that Jess's eyes are teary and pained, and guilt washes over me. I sit up, turning to face her and pulling her into a hug.

"I'm sorry I kissed you. I know you're still getting over that guy," I say softly, and she just sighs.

"I just wish I could get over him already. I'm so tired of missing him."

"I know."

"But it's not your fault I'm missing him again. Today just hasn't been all that great for me, either."

There's a sudden knock on the door, startling us both, and we pull away from each other quickly. Jess blinks, staring at the door until there's another knock. Slowly, she pushes herself to her feet, offering me a hand and pulling me up until I'm standing. I follow her to the door, surprised to see Kendall and Carlos on the other side when she opens it.

"Thought you'd be here," Kendall says when he sees me. He turns to Jess. "Mind if we come in for a second?"

"Oh, no, come right in," she says with a smile, and Kendall nods his thanks, pulling Carlos with him inside.

"Sorry I kinda just left," I say, wrapping them both in a hug. "I was going crazy sitting in that apartment."

"It's alright," Carlos says. "We just came to check on you and make sure you were okay."

"That, and my mom wants us to tell you to make sure you're home in time for dinner," Kendall adds, pulling away from our hug. "And this is Jess, I take it." He motions towards Jess, who's standing a few feet away, looking a bit shy.

"Yeah, that's Jess," I reply, and she smiles.

"Hello," she says, stepping forward. "It's good to finally meet you."

"You, too," Kendall replies, and surprises her by pulling her into a quick hug. "And this is Carlos." Carlos steps forward and wraps an arm around Kendall's shoulders.

"Hey, you should come have dinner with us!" he says, and then looks back at me. "You know how Mama Knight is. There'll be plenty of food for seven people." I meet Jess's eyes.

"Would you want to?" I ask. She seems surprised, but also grateful.

"I'd love to join you guys for dinner," she replies, and Carlos beams.

"Yay! Is that alright with you, Kendall?"

"Of course, babe."

"What time is dinner at?" Jess asks, and I shrug.

"Around seven, maybe," I reply. "It's only noon now, so we have some time."

"Alright. Well, you guys are welcome to stay until then," she says, gesturing to Kendall and Carlos. Kendall glances at me before answering. 

"Thanks, but we've got things to do. I told my mom I'd help her with dinner," he says, and Carlos frowns.

"Don't tell me you're making me help out, too."

"I _might _have told her you wanted to help."

"Kendall!" A smile appears on my face as Carlos playfully tackles Kendall to the ground, both of them erupting into giggles. My heart aches watching them, but at the same time I feel incredible happiness for them. They're so in love.

Jess clears her throat awkwardly, shifting her gaze around the room, and suddenly I feel the need to do the same. It feels almost wrong to be watching them, as if I'm looking in on some secret moment. The world has disappeared around them and nothing can ruin their happiness as long as they're together. I wonder if Logan and I ever looked like that, like the only thing in the world that mattered to us was each other, like nothing and no one could make us love each other any less.

It's not until the two of them start kissing that I feel the need to pull them apart. Not that I have anything against them kissing, but they're getting pretty intense and I know that if they don't stop soon Jess and I are going to be caught in a really awkward situation. Stepping forward, I tug on Carlos's shoulder, effectively pulling him away from Kendall and into a standing position. He frowns, crossing his arms over his chest and looking indignant.

"Oh, don't you look at me like that," I say, rolling my eyes. "What, did you think you were gonna fuck right here with Jess and I in the same room?"

"Sorry," Kendall says, clearing his throat and getting to his feet, a light blush painting his cheeks. "That was, uh… Yeah, um, we're just gonna get going now." Kendall pulls Carlos out the door, and Jess and I turn to each other, eyes wide before promptly bursting into laughter.

"Oh, my god!" she exclaims, and I can only nod in response. "Did you see Kendall's face? He looked horrified!"

"And I think he had a boner. How do you think he's gonna explain _that_ to his mom?"

"I don't even know," she laughs, and then she slowly calms down and just smiles. "They're so in love, though." Pain rips through my heart, and the smile is wiped right off my face.

"Yeah, they are," I say quietly, looking down at my feet. Jess senses my distress and soon her arms are wrapped tightly around me.

"Come on, let's go eat a bunch of ice cream and watch one of those ridiculous reality TV shows."

Christmas dinner feels wrong. No one is as cheerful as they usually are, and Logan's absence is so painfully obvious. Even with Jess here, we just don't feel complete. We don't feel like a family, and everyone is trying desperately to ignore the feeling that something is missing, something important. Ms. Knight took a quick liking to Jess, which doesn't really surprise me at all. Jess is a ray of sunshine. But even the brightest of rays couldn't light up the darkness in all of our hearts.

"How long have you been at the Palm Woods, dear?" Ms. Knight asks conversationally, and I almost sigh in relief at the distraction.

"Just about four months," Jess replies politely. "I moved here from New York."

"Oh! I've always wanted to go to New York? Did you like it there?"

"Yeah, I really did. I'd lived there all my life. It was home. But I needed to get away." Ms. Knight doesn't pry, and for that I am grateful. I know it's a sensitive topic for Jess, and I guess Ms. Knight sensed that because she turns her attention to Katie, talking about some movie they should go see.

"So, how has LA been treating you?" Kendall asks, and Jess smiles.

"Things have been fine. It's kinda lonely living in that apartment all by myself, but I'm managing."

"And you've found work?" The smile melts right off Jess's face.

"Yeah, but I kinda hate my job."

"Oh. Well, that sucks."

"Yeah, but it pays the bills," Jess says with a sigh. "Anyway, besides that I like it here."

"What are your hobbies?' Carlos asks.

"Well, I like drawing and painting," she replies, and I raise an eyebrow. I didn't know she could draw. "I don't do it so much anymore. I just don't have the inspiration I used to." Jess falls silent, and I wonder just how much of her life was dedicated to the guy who broke her heart.

The rest of dinner is spent in silence, and I'm once again aware of just how much I miss Logan. He should be here. We should be cuddled up together on the couch watching classic Christmas movies and singing Christmas carols and driving everyone nuts with our excessive amounts of kissing. And despite how awful dinner is, I never want it to end. I never want to go back up to that empty room, and that empty bed, with my empty heart and shattered hope. I want to stand under the mistletoe and kiss the one I love and tell him how much he means to me, even if it's our last kiss. Because if I'm gonna lose him, all I really want is the chance to say goodbye.

**This chapter, you guys. I'm so sorry I didn't update when I said I was going to, but I just totally struggled with this chapter. And it **_**still**_** doesn't really feel right but I think it's okay. Feel free to hate me, or like, kick me in the ass for taken forever to update. Hopefully you liked it. **


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